DNA Diaries

i have been struggling lately with my impatience. last october i found my biological father and was on cloud nine. he is a wonderful man, i fell in love with him immediately. he is different than lori and i though. he is very laid back and calm. he doesn't rock the boat-unless absolutely necessary-then he is ready to stand up and deal with whatever has crossed his path.
he is a silly, lighthearted man and loyal to the death. a former bad boy that has discovered the joy of the simple life of work and family. if he starts something, he finishes it. he works with his hands and makes beautiful things for the ones he loves and also makes a decent living out of it.

at least that is what lori tells me of him. i live my relationship with him through her. she is our link to each other.
which is ok with me somewhat. they have a bond that is fierce. they lost each other for years, until i came to lori and asked her for help to find him. **note, never ask lori for help unless you honestly want it. she is a very driven woman and will not stop until the task is done. wonderful trait, i envy that one.

lori pushed forward in the search like a freight train. she would not rest until he was found. i think there were several reasons for her determination. her own loose ends in her life that she needed to tie up. a medical reason my son was facing that we feared may be genetic. closure or renewal for both of us-depending on his reaction. but mostly i think it was simply because i asked for help. i turned to my mother for help and a mothers instinct drove her to help her daughter. maybe even a slight bit of remorse for the 28 years we lost to my adoption. maybe she wanted to give me something to help ease the hole we had in our lives by our separation. i don't know for sure, but she was a bull and i thank her for it.
she found him and we set up a reunion. it was very healing for all of us. she was able to tie up the raw nerves that had been lurking in her life. i was able to put my final piece in the puzzle of who i was and where i came from. he was able to see that positive outcome of the choice he and lori made for me.
many open wounds started to heal that day.

now it is almost a year later and i am feeling like a needy child. i want my 'daddy' i want to know--FROM HIM--who he is, what his personality is, favorite color, foods he hates, scars he has, loves he has lost, does he have pets, stories of his youth. i want his voice to relay to me the person he truly is.
i appreicate lori for giving me a glimpse of the person my father is. without her i would have nothing. not that he doesnt want contact with me, not that he doesn't love me, he just doesnt have the time for me in his life. his friends and family are putting pressure on him about me. they think i want something, i do. i want HIM. but they feel i have an alterier motive. funny thing-i respect that about them. they love him and want to protect him. how could i not respect them wanting to make sure he doesnt get hurt?
i know he loves me, he tells me. but i dont think he knows what to do with me. i am too much for him to handle.
this is exactly what i did not want to happen. i did not want to disrupt his life. i just wanted to assimilate into it. but he does not do well with change. although he would NEVER tell me these things, i can feel it. i believe with all my heart that he would like to have me be a bigger part of his life, but simply doesn't know how.
so this revelation brings me to the letter that will follow this. i will not send it to him. he will never read it. i could never tell him the things i feel inside. it would hurt him. it would hurt him to know he is hurting me. but since his eyes will never lay upon this, i have the ability to be totally honest. i can pour my heart out and not fear bruising our relationship.
so here it is. raw, uncut and real.

"to begin with i want to thank you for all that you have given me in life. that may sound silly since it was 35 years later that we found each other, but you and lori gave me the greatest gift and there are no words to express the magnititude of your selflessness.
over the last few years i have met many people that have horror stories of failed adoptions, abuse, neglect, pain and heartache. i never realized how lucky i truly was until i was forced to see the other side of adoption. my soul aches for these people that have endured a lifetime of pain, while i was whining i wanted some bigger and better toy or clothing. i have found i was more spoiled than i first thought. they loved me, like their own.

that could never have happened without you.

now, years later i have you back. i have found all the missing pieces to my past. to be honest with you, it was better than i ever imagined. i feel so much more peace with who i am. with what kind of person i am. i am more confident all around.

many in your life have warned you about my motives. i respect their love and commitment to you. they want to protect you from any harm that i may inflict. i know many think i am out for some financial gain or some deep seeded revenge for my abandonment.
i do want something from you, i am not totally innocent in my motives. i want YOU. i want to hear your voice, know your habits, learn your personality. i want to know it won't be months before i can talk to you. i want to hear how much you miss me, how we will see each other. i want to make plans to get together and actually follow through on them. i want to feel confident that i WILL see you again. that you want to see me again.

so you see i am not innocent. i do want something from you. your loved ones are right, but not about what i want. your material things mean nothing to me, and as for revenge....for what? i had a great life, i now have all 4 of my parents-what would i want revenge for?

i started the search for you with a legitimate reason. my son's medical health. but deep down i wanted more. i did want you in my life. i had daydreams that you and i would be close and love each other. we would be a family. an odd family it might be, but a family none the less.

i never wanted to disrupt your life, i do not want to interfere with what you have spent years to establish. i would have been willing to accept only getting the importent information i needed and walking away. if that was what you wanted i would have done it. but you said you wanted a relationship.
now it has been a year, and i think your opinion has changed. which you have the right to do. i will harbor no anger toward you, i do understand. becoming a father of a full grown woman can be daunting.

so here is what i am going to do. i am opening my heart and releasing you. i am freeing you from any responsibility or obligation you have tied to me. you took the steps 35 years ago to release me and i am doing the same for you. i will not force you to maintain any relations that obviously make you uncomfortable or consume too much time in your world. that was never the intent. i wanted to meld into your life, not drive over it like a steam roller.
i feel rather selfish now that i look back on the last year. your world was filled with the things you love and i came along and asked you to share. i tried to squeeze in the sparce cracks you had left. i have no right to ask you to take time away from what you have worked long and hard to build up. i also have no right asking you to give me a place there. i am ashamed of myself for only thinking of myself and what i wanted. i hope you can forgive me for this. even if we part ways for good, i want it to be on good terms. i dont what our brief time together to be viewed as a horrible disaster ending in a bitter aftertaste.

you will always be in my heart and on my mind. the very thought of you makes me smile. i will fondly keep a picture of burned on my very being. how could it not be? each time i look into the mirror i will see your mother. crinkly nose and all.
my heart is feeling heavy and my eyes are welling. but this is the right thing to do. it is unfair to keep you as a hostage. i know you feel much obligation to me, but i am releasing you from your confinment. i will ALWAYS be here. if ever you come to a point in your life where you can find the time to share yourself. i will be here. and my arms will be open.

you will always be my father and i will always be your daughter. no distance or time can change that. but being a family takes more time than can be spent right now. every ounce of my being hopes that will change one day. for now, i will slip back into the shadows.

i will miss your voice, i will miss your silly giggle, i will miss you. but thank you for giving me a fleeting sight of what it is like to be 'home'. it was a once in a lifetime experience and you were able to give me that. there are no words to make you understand how much that means to me.

i love you. always have and always will.
forever your daughter,
rachael."


so there it is, honest and true. i can no longer allow myself to force this man to have me in his life for my own selfish reasons. its not fair. he has given me more than he will ever be able to know. i can disrespect him no longer.

sometimes love just isn't enough. it sucks, but its true.