DNA Diaries

although I had hoped the TV station in India would have covered more, and still may, I am a little disappointed in what they left out. Particularly the marking on her body.

But something has come through on the brighter side. she received a comment on one of the segments from someone in India, or who keeps up with Indian news, that she most likely came from the southern part of India and that the TV stations of the north are not watched in the south. she was instructed to get her story out in southern India in the proper dialects and she might stand a better chance of reaching someone who knows something.

THEN SHE GOT an email from a journalist who had talked to the mother superior in charge of the convent. She has only held this position for a year and a half so she really doesn't know anything. He too suggested getting her story out in the southern parts of India and suggested the same places as the commenter. He said he would be in touch with her so there is hope that he is going to help get that done. He also let her know that every station had covered her story this morning, or when ever morning is in India, the other stations have picked it up.

One note to point out, they did get Vanessa's age wrong. someone commented on her not being able to recollect or search for her family from the age of 3, and being 30 now. As best she can guess, because she doesn't know for sure, Vanessa is 40. How sad, can you imagine, not knowing your own age or birth-date.

There is really nothing more intimate to me than that what is mine. My name, birth date, length, weight, time of birth, ancestry.

I know several International adoptee's who share Vanessa's dilemma, no name, no age, no birth date, and no history. Hopefully the days of never finding out are over.

http://consideritalljoy-infertility.blogspot.com/

I don't usually follow Adoptive Parents blogs. I find them mostly entitled and sickening, but they do have a right like everyone else to post what ever they think is of importance. This one was brought to my attention by some fine folks I hang with on line and I had to  make a stand. Although my comment will not appear in this woman's blog, it should in this one http://peaceofcricket.blogspot.com/2010/03/oh-yes-please-save-my-soul.html

I remember when my neighbor died. It was on my birthday. My birthday cake was sent (via me) next door as one of those long gone gestures done amongst neighbors when a passing occurred. It was okay with me, I was proud to do it, another cake could easily be made and this was a sad time indeed. This poor man had a 3 year old daughter and an 18 month old son.

But that's not my point.

I have known several men over the years who for a variety of reasons ended up being single fathers. Some were widowers, some had spouses who succumbed to drugs, others contracted diseases like
MS. None thought of surrendering their children to the comforts of strangers or relatives through adoption.

That is my point.

At what point should friends, relatives and strangers lobby for "the best interest" of a child. Should it be before one is actually laid to rest? Or should it be after a parent has tried and failed in his or her own eyes to properly provide for their family?


I think it's just plain wrong for anyone to think a man would surrender his child just because one of that child's family members is missing. I think it's unspeakable for family members who have "long wanted to adopt" to even think about their own agenda at a time when they should be consoling and supportive. Talk about wolves in sheep's clothing. Then to use scripture as their coercion tactic to persuade others into believing what they are doing is anything but self serving is heinous.

We have long chastised men for abandoning their children yet we seek to take their children before giving them a chance to parent. They are automatically stigmatized by most of society. 

What if the husband had died? Would the same wolves be at the door with the same agenda? Would they allow a woman to bury her husband before attempting to coerce her into surrender? Would those children then be considered orphans who need a decent loving two parent family and home?

What about divorced couples? Are they too victims of wolves dressed in family cloth?

Where does it say that a man can not rear his own children? Why would anyone be conspiring to take the only living link he has to his deceased wife away from him before she is even in the ground? I can only think of one reason, and I don't think "serve thy self first" was ever God's plan. I don't care how well you know your bible, this is just wrong.

As far as going to hell for not jumping on this band wagon, I'll stand in line next to "my savior" because he will surely be next to me if we allow society to deem this appropriate.

I can see it now, standing at the funeral home, women (plural) walking up to this man whispering in his ear, not condolences, but rather "hey, you have my number, when you get home call me, I'm interested in your kid" Or maybe at the wake, directly following the burial, some one gathering everyone's attention and announcing to this man who "they" have decided will take over as parents for his child behind his back.

To all the men I know and have known, who cared enough to care for their own children, I applaud you. "I" sing your praises as often as I can. Parenthood is difficult, single parenting is even harder. Being a single father is obviously like fighting wolves in sheeps clothing.

Return Adult Adoptees the right to their Original Birth Certificates

Ideas for Change in America
http://www.change.org/

The show of interests as to what is important to Americans has taken an interesting turn. The top 10 will be presented to our President. Please take a moment, whether you are directly affected by adoption or not. Protect Civil Rights for others today, you may need their vote tomorrow to protect your own.

Each voter is allowed 10 votes on subject matter that is most important to them, so feel free to exercise your votes on 9 other subjects. Just please, vote to allow equal access to those who are considered second class citizens today. Their families health welfare and safety depends on it.

This is the seocnd round and voting ends March 12th. We are very close to being in the top ten. My family who IS directly affected thanks you.

Some of the statements in this article are gut wrenching. Decades of doubt and loneliness, never stopped, for the first time I know who I was, at times I wondered what the hell I was living for, I had to find a way to continue, it was as if I filled a hole in my soul, to have your identity is the most beautiful thing there is.

Nope no adoption trauma here. Its all good.

The fact that they even call this adoption is appalling.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/lt_argentina_dirty_war_children

Quote


BUENOS AIRES, Argentina – The search is finally over for Abel Madariaga, whose pregnant wife was kidnapped by Argentine security forces 33 years ago.


After decades of doubt and loneliness, of searching faces in the street in hopes they might be related, Madariaga has found his son.


"I never stopped thinking I would find him," the 59-year-old father said, squeezing his son's arm during a packed news conference Tuesday.


"For the first time, I know who I was. Who I am," the young man said, still marveling at his new identity: Francisco Madariaga Quintela, a name he only learned last week.


The Grandmothers of the Plaza de Mayo rights group believes about 400 children were stolen at birth from women who were kidnapped and killed as part of the 1976-1983 dictatorship's "dirty war" against political dissidents, which killed as many as 30,000 people.


Madariaga and his wife, Silvia Quintela, were members of the Montoneros, a leftist group targeted for elimination by government death squads. He last saw his wife — a 28-year-old surgeon who treated the poor in a Buenos Aires suburb — being pushed into a Ford Falcon by army officers dressed as civilians as she walked to a train on Jan. 17, 1977.


Madariaga managed to flee into exile to avoid the same fate. Ever since, he has made finding the children of those who disappeared his life's cause.


Returning to a democratic Argentina in 1983, he became the grandmothers group's secretary and first male member. He lobbied the government to create a DNA database and dedicate judicial resources to the effort, and developed strategies for persuading young people with doubts about their identities to come forward and get DNA tests.


All the while, his own son's fate remained a mystery.


As it turned out, Quintela gave birth to the son the couple had planned to name Francisco in July 1977 while imprisoned in one of Argentina's largest and most notorious clandestine torture centers, the Campo de Mayo in suburban Buenos Aires. Surviving prisoners later reported that the newborn was taken from her the next day, and she disappeared shortly thereafter.


A military intelligence officer, Victor Alejandro Gallo, brought the baby, his umbilical cord still attached, home to his wife, Ines Susana Colombo. They named him Alejandro Ramiro Gallo and never told him he was adopted. The marriage didn't last — Gallo was a violent man, Francisco Madariaga said — and he never felt like he belonged, looking nothing like his brother and sister.


While the Gallo family fell apart, the younger Madariaga escaped in his own way, twice touring Europe as a professional juggler.


Meanwhile, Gallo was convicted of murdering a couple and their child during a robbery in 1994 and served a 10-year prison term.


Francisco Madariaga's doubts increased, until finally he confronted his adoptive mother. "She broke down and was able to tell me the truth," he recalled, adding that he can't say he blames her. "There was so much violence — physical and mental — and she suffered. She also was a victim."


On Feb. 3, encouraged by his friends, the young man and Colombo approached the grandmothers group to tell their story. Fearful of Gallo, they rushed to take a blood test the next day, and DNA results arrived last week. Father and son finally met on Friday — the same day Gallo was arrested on suspicion of illegal adoption.


Colombo also has been detained and questioned, according to an attorney for the grandmothers group, Alan Iud. Colombo and Gallo are represented by public defenders who didn't respond to calls after hours Tuesday.


Trembling before the cameras, Abel Madariaga recalled his reunion with his son.


"When he came through the door that night, we recognized each other totally, and the hug that brought us together was spectacular," he said.


Over the years, the grandmothers group has succeeded in identifying 100 children of the disappeared. Madariaga has organized many news conferences announcing such victories. This time, his chest heaved as he presented his own son to the world.


"At times I wondered what the hell I was living for. I had to find a way to continue, thinking about everyday things, hoping for this moment of happiness," the elder Madariaga said. "Hugging him that first time, it was as if I filled a hole in my soul."


Francisco Madariaga stopped smiling only at the mention of the name he was given by the Gallos.


"Never again" will I use this name, he said. "To have your identity is the most beautiful thing there is."

And yet there are still those who would deem this acceptable and a loving gesture through adoption, who would defend that these children "are" the children of those who raised them. There are those who do not believe this still happens today, in far away places, in the name of supply and demand. The dirty war might be over but the dirty practices are not.

I find myself screaming. Not screaming to the heavens, not screaming at people, but instead I feel like I'm screaming silently. I feel my body screaming, I feel it in my chest, I feel it in my throat, I feel it in the tenseness in my arms, legs and back. Every fiber of my being is screaming and yet I can't let it out. The screams won't escape my lips. It gets hard to swallow. Putting a pillow over my face, trying to let the scream out doesn't even work. It's there, but it won't come out. My mind wants me to scream, my body wants me to scream, I feel as though my body could actually relax if only I could release that scream. That silent scream that rings in my ears and torments my soul.




This was written by an adult adoptee. He has given me permission to re post it here. I feel as though these are very powerful words. This is what adoption feels like to him. Not that he had a bad adoption, that's not the point. The point is he isn't allowed to know anything about himself. Like so many others, he's adopted and his life, his history, his ancestry, is of no importance to him because someone else said so.




Then I found this.
http://www.growninmyheart.com/marijuana-makes-adoptive-parents-look-bad-yes-i-mean-you

How interesting that a president wants to hear what we think is important, and the most important issue we can come up with is legalizing marijuana?

The push to get records unsealed has been mostly by adoptees and first parents. For some reason adoptive parents don't feel the need. Why is that? Do you not love your adoptive child enough to want them to have the same civil rights as non adopted children? Did you get what you wanted and nothing else matters? I honestly do not understand. What these people, these "citizens" chose to do with this information is up to them. They can throw it in a drawer and leave it there if they choose. Point being is they deserve the right to throw it in the drawer.

Please read this well written article. Think about your life being the skip spot on the CD (another womans feeling about adoption) the silent screaming millions of people live with every day and tell me there is no better idea to put in front of your president than legalizing marijuana.

There is a link to change.org within the story. Please sign today.

Work has been a real hoot lately. There are tons of new faces, so many that I believe the newer people out number the old timers like me. During a conversation with a man we'll call T, I found out he is adopted by his step dad and has no real inclination for reunion with his biological father. Seems the circumstances surrounding his conception was not on the 'up and up'. I offered to hook him up with some of my sleuth-like friends if he changes his mind. In the average male adoptee, he smiled and changed the subject. Which is fine, I understand how rattling a conversation like that can be, ESPECIALLY with someone you barely know. And statically, men are less likely to want to search and reunite. I can't say why that is, but it's just that way.

Flash forward to last night. A new girl comes to my area. I have met her before, but only briefly. She seems nice and slightly pensive of us. I don't blame her, working with people you don't know can be rough. You never know where your boundaries are, what these guys are like or if you can just be yourself. We'll call her S. Now while standard and safe talks about children she makes a passing comment about her family and how her dad was adopted. "REEEAAAALLLLLYYYY....." I say. He is Puerto Rican and was adopted (it sounds) at birth. I giggle slightly and tell her that we have lots of adoption in our little area, T, me and now she is a product of an adoptee. Her eyes widen and she stammers out 'YOU'RE adopted????'
I'm not quite sure why she seemed so stunned, guess I wasn't wearing my "HELLO, I'm adopted, what's your name?" nametag. I smile broadly and tell her yes I am. I'm amused by her utter surprise.

As things go along and the more I talk (it's my given gift in life, man can I talk) she quickly asks the age old standard question that every adoptee gets "did you find your real parents?"
Now I won't split hairs about her terminlogy. I personally think this whole debate over titles is rhetorical. I understand the plight, I really do. But to waste so much time and effort on titles such as birth, biological, natural, first, real....sigh, I don't have the time nor the passion for such stuff. There are bigger fish to fry and I'm moving on to that. But there is ONE term I hate, hate, hate. Thats 'real'. OH HOW I HATE THAT TERM. To have someone ever even insinuate that ANY of my parents are not real makes me furious.
So I ignore that term and again smile as big as my face will let me and nod my head. YUP-I found them. I know my 'real' parents.
By this time poor S is in awe. Her mouth is slightly ajar and the look on her face was priceless. By now I'm wondering what direction this is about to go in. Am I going to be bombarded with questions about them OR....I'm I about to be verball and morally attacked for being so selfish and awful as to look for the parents that BLATENTLY didn't want me? It's a coin toss as to which way it's gonna go every time.

She opted for an onslaught of questions (whew!) that I fended quite happily with. I don't think her mouth ever fully closed during the entire conversation. She literally hung on my every word. I was pleased that she was so open and only slightly uncomfortable with the honed in focus of this more or less stranger. But in my typical form I forged ahead and offered up every scrap of info she wanted. She was amazed, she was blown away and rather happy for me. I then asked MY standard question, "are you interested in finding your family?"
I have to admit her answer threw me. She said "My family? It's not MY family-my DAD was adopted, not me"
I actually had to blink a time or two to process this statement. I guess I never realized how the offspring of an adoptee was so quick to separate themselves from the adoption itself. Not her family? Those are her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...too. They were her blood just as much as anyone else. I gently reminded her of that and the look of confusion was undeniable. She had honestly never thought of it like that. It never crossed her mind that she was also missing part of her life. So were her kids.

This went on most of the night. Every spare second she was in front of me, first apologizing for being too nosey or making me uncomfortable. I assured her it was fine, I enjoyed telling her. It WAS nice to have someone be responsive and not take personal stabs at me and judge me like I was a criminal because I looked, found and developed a relationship with my roots.
Later in the night I brought up again finding her fathers and her family. Now this time she showed more emotion, this time she answered with a small bit of venom and hostility in her voice. I'm not ashamed to say that I was slightly taken aback. Her response was a very blunt and flat "Why should we? They never tried to find US-they don't care. They never came looking for my dad."
THERE WE GO.....there is some fire under it all! Good! I can use this, she cares, she just doesn't want to show it.

I looked her straight in the eyes and asked how she knew that. HOW did she know so confidently that they never looked? "Well, they didn't find him. They never came back."
Another remark that I could not let go. I gently as possible explained how most things work. That the agencies lie about info, throw people off by giving false info, that biological families are told they will go to jail if they do look, that they are told how the child may not know/they will ruin their lives/get over it.....I gave her countless scenerios. I told her what they told Lori. She stared at me like a train wreck. She literally could not move. Poor S, she was trying so hard to absorb all that I was throwing at her, but I could see she was reaching her limit. It was time for me to back off and let her process.
For a few hours S was rather quiet. She didn't avoid me, but she certainly didn't go out of her way to talk to me either. Which was fine. She needed to really chew on the stuff I told her. It was things that she had never thought of. Soooooo many people THINK they know adoption. They know their cousin or neighbors dauthers friend or that kid in school they never talked to. Even some that have been touched directly by it (like S) THINK they know it, they understand it, it's cut and dried. But when that different skew is put in front of them, well, it can be overwhelming.

The end of the night crept in and we slowed down just a bit. I found myself looking at S again, she had more to say. I pat her on the back, she is a trooper and was honestly wanting to know. Good for her!
S stood there for a few moments, sizing up me and her choice of words. Mind you, S is probably 5-6 inches taller than me and outweighs me by quite a bit. When she stands in front of you grappling for words, you tend to stay put and listen.
Finally she gently says "You know, my dad is dying. I don't know if he would want to do this. He's not gonna make it much longer."
It hurt me to hear her words and to see the pain in her face. I have not buried a parent yet, but now that I have found Lori and Jim, I get to do that 4 times over. Include my mother in law (whom is ranked right up there with Lori and my mom) and I am going to need some serious valium when those times come. The idea of it pains me, so I can only imagine how it feels for her to watch this happening to her dad.
The words came out of my mouth before I had the time to fully think them through. This happens alot to me. They fall out of my lips and hang there.
"Then I guess you don't have a lot of time to mess around then. If you are gonna do it you better do it quick"
There it was. That final push. Part of me regretted saying it, she had already taken in so much that night and I have to turn that screw just a bit more. It's true though. IF her dad or her was going to do this-they don't have the luxury of time. IF they wanted to push forward, it could take years. All this is true, but I think I could have gotten my point accross without going there. She took it well. She nodded and agreed. (I told you she was a trooper). Did I mention I had also thrown out stories of sick and twisted adoptions? Stolen babies and women spending lifetimes without the child they thought died only to find they were taken instead? Yeah....I kinda took it too far. But I held her attention.

So tonight is another night. I am anxious to see how she responds to me. Will she avert her eyes and ignore me? Will she pretend our conversation never happened? Will she become angry with me for dumping too much truth on her? Will she embrace what I told her and want to know more????
I've had all of those options happen to me in the past. I've drove people away because they don't want to discuss such things.

Fingers crossed that she doesn't hate me. If she does, oh well I guess. It is what it is....a messed up world that can shake lives for generations. I didn't make it was it is, I'm just stuck in it like the rest of us. But I'm doing all I can to spread the word. So others see that things have to change. I have a feeling this is NOT over. We only slightly talked about birth certificates and the such. This is gonna get interesting.....

http://www.originscanada.org/sales-and-marketing-techniques/



I admit, I haven't had a chance to read this all the way through yet. But I read enough to want to post it. Marketing is key to any business keeping their doors opened. People sell themselves everyday, and I don't mean for cash. They put themselves out there and ask others to give a moments thought to what it is they are saying/selling. The best salesman knows his market. If you know someone who is considering surrendering their child. Pass this along to them or send them here for more info.

Adoption could be a wonderful thing if people weren't so sleezy.

I'm slow in my old age. I search for days some times for the right words that give me the most affect, and I eventually come up with them. This time is no exception other than it has taken a lot longer than a few days to find the right words.



I get on Yahoo Answers, in the adoption section waiting for women to post questions about surrendering their children. I point out many different things that surrendering women are not told about. The pain of being separated, the sealing of records, etc...



I just realized that signing away my own rights also meant signing away my daughters rights. I mean, I have heard it said, but it just didn't sink in. My signature meant "her"signature. How is it I didn't know that till now?

When parents sign away "their rights" they are also signing away the rights of the child. Those children will have less rights than non adoptees and it will not change until the law does.



I intent to use this true and accurate line from now on as it rings loudly about what adoption really does do.



Maybe it will have a more dramatic effect, maybe non adoptee's will understand better, instead of insisting I'm bitter and angry because I made a decision I don't want to live with or one I want to play victim over. I don't want to take back my decision, its too late, and I have always taken responsibility for what I did. But it never sunk in till just recently that by any parent putting their own signature on the dotted line, they are also putting their child's name on the dotted line. You as a parent no longer have a right to that child and that child no longer has a right to themselves.

As a parent you have rendered your child powerless over their own affairs, made them property of someone else, and branded them with second class citizenship. A stigma that is alive and well in the 21st Century as proven by the 44 states that remain sealed, and the ever growing fight to open records for all adopted citizens.

That is not to say that these children will not get good homes. (disclaimer) In fact this isn't about their homes at all. This is about them having the same rights to their records as anyone born and not adopted. I was about to say surrendered there, but that's not true. Surrendered does not mean adopted. They are two very different things and should be noted for their differences.

Upon surrender these children are not yet adopted. If an adoption doesn't go through or a disruption takes place (return the merchandise) the original records are kept in tact. IF an adoption does go through, the records are sealed, and often falsified to show the purchaser as the birther (adoptive parent as the natural parent). Those records have been and will continue to be sealed for 100 years. The good news if you happen to be one of those who does live that long, you can have access to your records then.

I'm still not against adoption. I know it sounds like I am, but I'm not. I'm against the crap laws that protect people from themselves, and how easily someone can put another in that position. There really aren't' too many adoptee's out there who agreed to having their records sealed. It's just something they have to live with because someone else put their own signature on a piece of paper.

Many know where I stand on the issue of OBC's, (original birth certificates). I had no idea they were sealed, no idea what problems this caused, no idea it was going to be impossible for Rachael to get one. So as time goes on and I do what I can to talk to people about unsealing records on behalf of those who live with it, I start to hear another voice rising up about first mothers having access to their childrens records as well. Everybody gets to know where everyone else is at.

I have to admit the thought didn't sit well with me. I was against it. I thought it was pushing it, and I was reluctant to get behind it. I was afraid it would open the door for those opposed to take the whole thing back to the drawing board for a few decades as a stall tactic, and I didn't want to be responsible for anyone losing out on a possible reunion because of it.

In a forum I frequent, this topic came up and I voiced my objections, as i often do. I was told that what I am presenting is more along the lines of an adoptive parents point of view, which I also do often. I can understand to a certain extent why some adoptive parents would be uspet. They were promised something that others are now trying to change. I can respect that. The problem is we were all promised something and all of us have been let down by the empty promises. If this is going to change, someone has to be the guy who takes it on the chin so things can.

So here is a chance to change the laws that exist for all current and future adoptee's. I suggested that we fight for their rights first and worry about ourselves another day. Wrong, and here's why. U.S. courts have ruled that there are no such things as "adoptee rights". No rights exist in law or can be upheld in court. Let that soak in for a minute. No matter how old you get as an adoptee, there are still certain rights that do not and will not pertain to you, because of a decision that was made for you. You are disallowed certain rights that pertain to the non adopted, but there are no other rights that pertain to you under the law.

As I listen, I begin to understand that this has been the problem all along. What I didn't understand was that there were no laws to uphold. How can anything be upheld when nothing exists?

I see the problem. I was told that as a first parent, one day we would reunite if my daughter wanted to. They didn't tell me that they were going to make it next to impossible for her to do so. So I feel a little betrayed, but I did sign the papers willingly, which makes me different than most during that time frame of surrender. I agree with most of what has been said so far but something still isn't sitting quite right for me about this proposal of first parents being granted access also. I know there will be lots of rebuttle and I don't want to be caught with nothing in our defense. So far I've heard their argument and I can't come up with anything to dispute it.

Then it slowly, over days, begins to sink in. When adoption started it was to hide the sins of an unwed mother and the embarassment of infertile couples. As time goes on, it becomes more about privacy for the parents raising the adopted child. Now, it's about my right to privacy as a damaged first parent.

Now I get it. They are using ME, my status to promote "their" agenda.

It was never about me. In fact they spent almost 30 years protecting my daughter and her new family FROM me. So now that they are losing on this false front of theirs, they have shifted their focus, their concern, their attention to me. The same people who kicked me to the curb like a mangy dog, who lied about my age and my status at the time, never returned any of my calls, now want to show compassion for my plight. Thanks but NO THANKS.

I will be joining this fight to unseal records for "all" involved, based on the lack of compassion that they showed me for almost 3 decades. You are not basing your argument on me not wanting to be found. I stand before you to say, I have waited for and always welcomed reunion, wanted to and do know my child, and am still enough of a mother and human being to answer any questions presented to me by "any" of my off spring. Most importantly their story of ancestry, heritage, and medical information that they can only obtain from their blood relatives. I never was, and am not now ashamed that my daughter was conceived out of wedlock. I accept full responsibility for my actions, and expect to be accounted for when you gather your statistics of how many first mothers do or do not want to be reunited.

The very clever underlying scenario behind all this is that the women who do not want to be found, also do not want to stand up and be counted. It would blow their cover. How convenient. I guess in order to have accurate numbers, those who do want to reunite need to be more visible than their invisible counter parts. How can you accurately account for someone who wants to be invisible? How can you honestly know how many exist if they will not stand up and be counted?

I've found MY justification for opening records to all. Consider me standing. Standing to be counted.

It makes sense to me now and I hope it does to others. If you want to be accurately counted there is no better way right now that to come out, join those who are not afraid to be visible, and tell them that you want to "establish" your surrendered childs rights. Rights you didn't know they didn't have. That you want to establish rights to reunite, and pass on info. Show them that you want accurate numbers in their study of just what percentage of first parents willing accept and look forward to contact with their adult child. Establish accuracy in Adoptee's Rights.

Off my soap box now.

Okay, because of my age and the exposure to old movies I can't help but feel a little like the original Dr. Doolittle in the the movie My Fair Lady. He takes a street urchin (Audrey Hepburn) with badly broken English and turns her into a socialite. Months of hard work on his part and hers, turned an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. To which he exclaims, "By Joe I think she's got it" (might have been George instead of Joe but you get my drift)

Another weekend down state staying with my mother so my son can get to his training. SHE brings up a Dr. Phil segment that she taped so I could watch. Oh yippee, just what I want to do. She says it's about two kids who aged out of Foster Care. I about slid off my chair.

WHAT!!

You taped something, anything, about kids in foster care? ( not out loud)

Really, I questioned, calmly. She starts talking about the injustice to these kids.

Aliens ate my mother and stole her appearance, moved into her house and are posing as someones next door neighbor. Gotta be, because this is not my mother.

We started watching the tape and talking about these kids stories, how the one girl was thrown out on the street at age 18, never being adopted because she was deemed a danger to other children because she watched her methed out mother kill her baby sister. Not only that, she froze her little body for a week, laid her out in the closet as a sort of make shift funeral viewing and then her and her husband hacked her into bits and burned her in the homes fire place, spreading her ashes later in the river. Mom was convinced that the kids were demons and vampires and she put drops of bleach in their ears and eyes, and made them drink bleach to exercise the demons.

My mother was outraged. I made her stop the tape. I pointed out to her that there are millions of people who honestly believe that "I" am on some form of level playing field with this woman, because I surrendered my daughter. And that when they threw this girl out on the street, not only did her support stop, so did her medication, if she was on any. We talked about kids being unnecessarily drugged to near catatonic states with psychotropic drugs so they won't be a bother.

Resume tape.

A young man tossed to the curb when reaching the age of 18 by the foster care system, can't get a job because he has no birth certificate. He has been moved so many times no one even has record of him any more. He's literally not in the system, (or so they say). When the case worker would come new clothes were purchased and hung in the closet, only to be returned for the cash after the visit was over. Again no where to go, couch surfing, and spent most of his nights sleeping on a wooden bench.

STOP TAPE.

MOM DO YOU REALIZE someone has been collecting money off this kid for years who is now mysteriously NON EXISTANT? ARE YOU AWARE that since 911, tons of adoptees can not get a passport, because the only legal document they have access to is a falsified birth certificate which is no longer accepted by the very same people who FALSIFIED IT? Which is illegal.

Although Dr. Phil and a few other distinguished guests, managed to get each of these kids something. The girl got a crib full of stuff for her 8 month old baby so she didn't have to sleep in a play pen any more, a $20,000 scholarship to obtain a career to support her child, and a $1,000.00 gift card for clothes from JC Penney's. The guy got the same gift card and someone to help him look into documentation so he can obtain a job, and i can't remember if they offered him a place to stay or not, I was getting irritated by this point.

My mother asked me if I was disgusted yet? Taking the focus off of the fact that Dr. Phil just helped 2 out of 500,000 people and returning it back to the fact that my mother seemed to understand what the program was about, I started to tell her about some of the stories of the people I talk to on line. The Canadian foster care system, children stolen and sold, how much an adoption costs these days as opposed to how much it cost in my daughters day. How some women were told their children were dead, only to find out years later that it was a lie. How one adoptive mother staged the death of her adoptee and had a funeral so the first mother wouldn't search. How lots and lots of men in our prison systems are in fact adoptee's who were kicked to the curb just like these two she just watched, labeled as habitual criminals, because they have no life skills and they get cold and hungry. While the whole time someone was collecting money off their existence as an income. The least they could have done was taught them something that would help them when their time was up in the system.

It was a riveting, and stimulating conversation, she actually knew something about something that mattered to me. My mother, the never have an opinion, never make waves, NEVER speak out against your government, was finally starting to pay attention to something that mattered to me and we actually had a discussion about it.

I felt a little teary eyed with pride, when I told her to imagine she was an adoptee, who like my daughter had already found her entire family, at her own age, 76, was told by some snot nosed, and i paused, "LITTLE BITCH" she says, (holy shit who are you) (who ever you are I like you sooo much better than the woman I have known all my life,) that you CAN'T HAVE your original birth certificate, that it is in fact NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. My pollyanna, 5ft. nothing, petite, gray haired mother said "GOD, that makes me want to reach across the counter and rip her throat out."..... YES! OH MY GOD YES!!! who ever you are I don't care what you did with my mother, don't bring her back. You stay. Pleeeeeease.

It has been T H E most riveting conversation I have ever had with her. We talked about my grand son who needed his WHOLE medical back ground, not just half. We talked about generations lost and what some people had to wait through for all the tests to be run to find out what they would have already known had they SOME FORM of medical history. My mother has passed kidney stones before, she remembers what that felt like.

When talking about International adoption, and some domestic, I asked her how she figured there were so many orphans in the world, with no one to care for them. She looked at me and with a puzzle in her voice she replied, "I don't know".

I started on the grateful bit, and alas my mother had returned. SHIT, I lost her again. She sees no reason why an adoptee shouldn't be eternally grateful.

Al in all, it will probably be the only conversation with her I have ever felt had any substance. We made great strides, and I shouldn't expect perfection. I should not be disappointed, but I do want to know if the alien who took up residence for such a brief time will be returning in two weeks when I have to go down state again. I deliberately hung around for a few hours patiently awaiting their return. Nope, she was back, but it gave me a glimmer of hope.

Recently on a popular board that my daughter and I frequent, there was a comment made about surrendering mothers that sparked a private conversation between myself and another surrendering mother. It started off simple enough, she felt the sting of bad jokes made at our expense. I understood that feeling, I myself felt like she did for many years. Somewhere along the line I just got tired. I got tired of feeling bad on command. Some one would take a shot at me for surrendering my daughter and I would immediately feel bad, just like they wanted me to. I would love to say I don't know how it happened or when but that would be a lie. I know exactly how it happened and when. Like Pinocchio I got rid of my strings.



One day as my older brother, (I'm being covert here, I have two older brothers and in case you know me, you still don't know which brother it is) and I got into a heated discussion about how screwed up I really am, because I wasn't acting the way he wanted me to, I wasn't giving in the way I usually do, and he once again threw in my face that I needed a fucking psychiatrist. Before he could finish that sentence I had spun around and for the first time in my life I screamed in his face (spit included) "How did I get that way". It was the last conversation I remember having with my brother. So I know how. I remember almost every detail of the day I set myself free from other peoples power.



So this woman who is offended is trying to get recognition for her feelings and as much as I sympathized with her, I'm not there anymore. I don't let those comments bother me any more. Do they sting? A little, but not enough to ruin my day, not enough to make me want revenge, or even an apology. Besides the context of the comment was said in a group that I knew didn't include me, and probably not her either. It was an in general statement said in fun, bad taste maybe but hey, I'm just as guilty at times. Bad jokes and dark humor are the only things that get me through some times.



So this conversation goes on and starts to take a different twist. We went from bad joke, to being grouped together, to being re-abused by our children, to preparing for reunion. Well the grouped together stuff didn't get much attention from me either. People are going to group other people together from now till eternity. It's just the way we're wired. Blacks, whites, Asians. Christians, gays, "you people", hell I'm a crack whore at 53 because the current stereotype for surrendering mothers is skinny as hell (I wish) and all methed out. CRACK WASN'T EVEN INVENTED when I was pregnant, but that's okay, I'm a crack-whore.

The abuse part got a lot of attention from me but it wasn't what she was looking for, obviously. She wants to be prepared, she wants the details from other peoples experiences as to how they handled their situations to store in the back of her brain as reserve in case it happens to her. I don't understand this at all. My mind reels with questions, "how are you going to know that its abuse and not just reunion garbage that needs to be gotten out and dealt with then put to rest"? We talked about drawing a line in the sand. My question was " How can you draw your line of enough based on other peoples experiences"? "How are you going to know when you have had enough based on the stories of others"? "Why are you so sure this is going to happen"? The concept of boundaries is all fine and well, but why run imaginary scenarios through your head like war strategies?


So when we get to the part about preparing for reunion, I envision two people standing facing each other. Each has a handbook, maybe labeled reunion for dummies or something. A sentence is said by one person, then the other person flips through their hand book for an appropriate response, that person responds and it's now the first persons turn to flip through their handbook and see what it is they are supposed to say in return to the comment made by the other person. This to me is where reunion has been taken too far. Without posting exactly what this other mother said, I will say that if you feel the need to study for this, you're going to fail.



There are books,TONS of books, there are web sites, hang outs, blogs, forums, places you can go and discuss reunion, adoption, what it feels like, what it "was" like for someone else, but in the end no two reunions are alike. Having resources stored in your head isn't going to do you any good because they were someone else's experiences. Besides, as I tried to point out to her, in my oh so eloquent manner, it takes up valuable space.



I understand not being able to shut this shit off, I lived it for 28 years. I drank to make it go away, (smooth move on my part, I ended up with a drinking problem) that's what bothers me about this whole conversation. Instead of working on herself, instead of forgiving herself, and understanding that on her child's part there is simply more wait time required, HE'S NOT READY, she wants to continue to beat herself up, hold herself down, and read other peoples reunion stories, in order to prepare for her own.



If you want to know how this "might" pan out for you, it cost me many relationships, a few weeks in the hospital, a lot of money, therapy, jobs and friends, and I didn't even do the strategy thing. Sound like something you aspire to? keep it up, you'll get there.



My daughter and I read NONE of the books on the market about adoption, self discovery, reunion, or the effects of secrets and lies. Mostly because neither of us knew they existed. We talked to each other. We got to know each other slowly, we creeped into one an other's lives. It took time, it took understanding, it took not getting offended, or angry. It took having little to no expectations, and a lot of patience. It took doing it anyway even though we were both afraid. That's what worked for us. I'm not saying its the golden rule of reunion, I'm saying it took US, working at it, taking it in little chunks, quiting when it gets too overwhelming, picking back up when we both felt like we could do it again. But the main ingredient was US. Not some book, not someone else's memoirs, not a guide based on past reunions, just us.

"Be ready for anything" is a statement used in regard to reunion. It means you may be rejected again, it may not be how you expected it to go, you may be over whelmed with emotion, you may even feel like vomiting. It doesn't mean, study hard, have all the answers, be mentally prepared for any question. Reading is fine, talking to others and listening to their stories is okay, but trying to prepare for reunion based on others experiences, having your response to anything that may come up ready and waiting to be used is setting yourself up for failure. This isn't a battle ground, or a game show.

Reunion is fragile yet liberating. It requires honesty, respect and lots of space.
I'd hate to see anyone lose out in reunion because they didn't have the sense to be themselves, to give of themselves, and to allow the other person the space they need to make it work.

So in conclusion of this conversation. I wrote a short piece about how I'm not trying to disrespect her feelings, but instead trying to point out that she can reach a point of self respect that affords her the room to let a few bad jokes pass without taking them straight to heart and ruining her day. This was after she said that maybe that particular forum was not for her, that maybe it was time for her to move on. All I can think is that she wants to surround herself with people who feel the same pain, even though she strategizes against it. I probably shouldn't have but I told her that there is no way in hell I would base my reunion on incerpts from books, or let people who have spit on me my whole life stop me from having a relationship with my daughter just because they don't think I deserve one, and I reserve the right to draw my own line in the sand. I'll decide what is enough. Its been two days and there has been no response to the message I left.

No two reunions are a like, I hope she realizes that and finds what works for her.

Although it seems like a million years ago now, I have something that might give you a taste of what it was like to be me, pregnant at the age of 16. I pulled this question off of yahoo answers just a minute ago. I have to admit that there are a lot of people who no longer feel this way toward first mothers, but that has come from the sweat of some very brave peoples backs. It is not easy standing in front of a crowd with this mentality and trying to get them to humanize the producer of their most precious commodity, their child.

I feel that this is a direct result of industry language. You know, what adoption workers use to make adoptive parents feel superior. But they can not be held unaccountable. They are responsible for their actions just as I was held accountable for mine.

My disclaimer: To those of you who have adopted and realized that your child had another set of parents before you and that those parents should be treated with as much respect as any other parent, I applaud you, and this post most certainly does not apply to you.

Here it is. It's short, but depicts exactly what it is meant to, hatred.

Enjoy


Open Question
Why do you think peeps think that all bm's are victims?
on here all birth peeps have an excuse am i the only one that sees


Nope, I'm with you man. I am sick and tired of their martyr syndrome. Keep your kids and raise them like the rest of us do, they don't deserve to play the victim role for ducking out of their responsibilities. Then they say the are looked down upon by society....WELL DUH...how precisely do you expect to be treated?Don't get me started with this crap!By the way...bm also stands for bowel movement, ya know like sh!t...sounds like a pretty good representation to me.Natural mother??? What is natural about birthing a child and abandoning it?
Source(s):
Birthmother HATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have needed time to process all of the things that happened during my first ever sleep over type visit with my daughter. There wasn't one piece of it that I would have traded for anything in the world. We spent our first new years together. No big gushy hugs or kisses, mostly watching the younger kids throw crap all over the house. You call it confetti, I call it a mess that needs to be cleaned. Don't get me wrong, I'm a slob. My house could be way cleaner. But the amount of confetti that was being thrown and the places it was getting into just made me shake my head. I did enjoy the fact that Rachael didn't bat an eye over it. She just let them fly and when it was over the broom came out and it was cleaned up. One of the many conveniences of hard wood floors.

The older kids came home shit faced. I thought that was pretty funny. They were only gone for 3 hours and two of them could barely walk. They did the right thing though, they called and Rach went and got them. The buckets and towels arranged strategical next to the sleeping arrangements with a wet wash cloth hung on the side was a sight to behold. Rach put her brother down on the couch and tied his long tresses back to make it easier for him to utilize the bucket. I started to get up off the couch to take over since it was my responsibility to tend my drunken son, and I immediately sat back down. I figured it was nothing less than a pleasure for her to tend her baby bro after all these years. She got his settled and I arranged the towel with the bucket and wash rag. After a good vomit there is nothing like a cool rag to either wipe the mouth or the forehead.

My grand daughter was being tended to by her boyfriend up stairs. No worries there, he is a fine young man very capable of handling my sometimes over bearing grand daughter and that in it self was a treat to see. Two down two to go.

We went into the kitchen with the remaining two who were still on their feet. the fun never stops with intoxicated teens around. I learned so much that night. My other son's aversion to the room spinning is to spin himself. So on his toes (which is natural for him, he lives on his toes) he spins like a ballerina or his mother on the dance floor in her younger and drunken years. I was very afraid he was going to land on his face. We already have one kid with a permanent bonded tooth, no need for them both to have one. When he finally wound down and got ready for the other couch where his bucket, towel and wash cloth await, he had the sense to pull his own hair back and pony tail it. Not long after being in the horizontal position, he started to utilize his bucket. Instead of leaning over the edge of the couch like his brother who couldn't move if he wanted to, this one gets off the couch, on his hands and knees and actually starts spinning in circles from the waist up around the top of the bucket. Too bad we didn't have the sense to film it as he denied it the next day. All in all it was an awesome time. Family at it's finest. Sharing and caring for one another in a way that only people who really love you will. The next day was less fun but still good entertainment. Watching a hang over is much better than feeling a hang over. At least it was for me. It took most of the day for the really wasted two to get up and moving. Poor T, hung over as he was, there was still no escaping the throws of being an uncle. He was hung on, tugged at, hair pulled, loud in your face children everywhere and it was probably killing him. D got the dogs. He went to bed with them, and spent most of the day with them as they too would not leave him alone. Too much entertainment for me. I was loving every bit of it.

The grand daughter awakes, looking like someone who was shot at and missed, shit at and hit. My heart over flows with excitement. I can't wait to watch her struggle through the day. Needless to say it was a slow moving, less than quite, aspirin filled afternoon and evening. The dead awake after 5pm.

When we got home, I had little time to reflect, there were things to do around the house, things to take care of with friends, pictures to select for an audition, and colleges to finish up applying for. As wonderful as it was, the visit with Rachael's sister, her parents, the seeing where she was for so many years and how safe she was, the finally laying eyes upon the people who took my daughter in as their own. I still felt something was missing. I actually felt guilty about it.

A week had passed and not a word about how her parents felt after the meeting. Nothing from her sister passed on through Rach about how it made her feel to sit in the same room with the mystery woman who was 13, on drugs, a run away, and clueless as to who she had slept with all those years ago, compliments of the agency we used. I don't know why I expected more, I just did. It was so monumental for me. I was hoping the feeling was the same for them, but it seemed that it was exciting at the time and now it's over. No fan fair, no big revelations, nothing. I was expecting more and trying to tell myself not to be disappointed. Maybe it was that they needed to keep their distance. Maybe I was still capable of taking something from them and they needed to keep some of their guard up. Maybe I just didn't want it to end and it had.

Then it came. Rach called me last night and had finally gotten a hold of her sister and her parents. Her parents called to thank her for "allowing them" to be a part of her reunion. There it was, the thing I had been expecting and thought wasn't going to happen. The thing I thought I was the only one feeling. It had affected them. They feel the same thing I do, a connection, a link, an answer to the mystery of why their (our) daughter thinks and acts the way she does. The inner working of what makes her tick. They saw it, and it made sense, for the first time in 36 years. Just like I saw where she resided, how farming was a big part of who she was. How could I understand that? I have no connection to farming what so ever (growing pot maybe). But in her family, farming is everything. It is the profession that makes all other professions possible. It is the pride of who they are as a whole.

Her sister told her that Rachael seems more at peace than ever before. It was visibly noticeable. Rach agreed. No more secrets, imagination putting faces to that which we had not known, trying to piece together stories without actual puzzle pieces. And best of all no more silent panic attacks. No one has to worry any more. We met face to face and no one died.

Now the evolution of phone numbers. Rach's sister talked to her parents and agreed that it is important that they have my phone number. In all actuality it makes sense. They will know long before I, if something were to happen to Rach. I know Rach's husband would let me know as soon as possible, but what if; what if something happened to both of them. Funny how that happens. Her whole life thus far has gone by with never a thought of me being on the roster of contacts, and now after one meeting my name and number are being requested. That's something I never expected or even thought about to be honest. I had once hoped that we would one day meet. I gave up. I wanted it, but felt that it would not be a realization. Now I'm on the roster.

How unbelievable awesome is that?

It was as nerve wracking as meeting my daughter for the first time.

After spending the day surprise visiting everyone else and meeting Rachael's sister the day before, I was ill prepared for the phone call from her mother asking when we were coming to meet them. I had not given it much thought since Rachael said that it probably wasn't going to happen this trip. I very quickly put it out of my mind.

Once confronted with the idea I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity. So I made a call home and said we would be staying one more day. I was fine until Rachael said "okay turn in the driveway here " my instant reaction was "no I'm not ready." I felt sick to my stomach. Rachael laughed a bit and said "oh well ready or not were here."

We went inside and I could feel the tension in the air, so as Rachael and her parents small talked about the cold temperatures out side, I reached over and grabbed her mothers hand. She immediately said"oh you are cold" and I responded by saying "no I just want to touch you". It broke the ice. As I reached for her fathers hand to do the same thing he instead hugged me. I immediately tuned to her mother and said I want to hug you too.

After a brief hug we moved into the living room where we were given the grand tour of the house my daughter grew up in. It is a beautiful home, with lots of room inside and out. I tried to visualize her running in the house on an ordinary day, getting ready for school functions in that spacious bathroom, hanging in the family room with the pool table and fire place, playing in the ditch that runs between the back and the side of the house. I tried to imagine the pool now long gone an her having fun with friends in the back yard.

We sat on the couch with the kids across from us on the floor looking at pictures of her relatives. There were few pics of Rachael but a few. Her sister has them. She is putting a book together for me. Her dad told us a story about the pastor who told him that he and his wife needed to have another child so her sister wouldn't be alone. Her dad's words were "well if you can find one for us to adopt I will do just that." After filling out the necessary paperwork they had no idea that nine months almost to the day, they would be getting a call stating that they had a girl available and wanted to know if her parents would like to adopt her.

How weird the puzzle pieces fit together. As we left we hugged again and her mother told me that she had wondered for a long time about me. I assured her that I had wondered too. Her eyes lit up as she said "oh I imagine you did" It was a good trip, a great time, and another piece of the puzzle put in it's place. Rachael claims to be lucky for good reason. Her parents are wonderful people, who not only accepted a child as their own but actually wondered about the mother and father of that child over the years. Something I did not expect to hear.

I am feeling pretty lucky myself today. After all the heart ache I went through, its a blessing to know that my daughter got a good home with strong parents who withstood everything she put them through. (which I apologized for upon hearing) She was and still is a strong willed person. Something they were not prepared for but handled. And I can finally put together in my minds eye a real picture of her lfe.

In an attempt to help women make an informed decision before surrendering their children, I am posting this piece on coercion tactics used. This does not mean that I have suddenly become anti-adoption, I have however become anti-uninformed decision. Uninformed decisions hurt everyone. Anyone considering adoption should want to know that the mother was not coerced, that she did her research and made her decision based on her particular situation, and the safety and needs of her child.

Since my attempt to put together a list of blogs, articles, statistics, and links to possible useful information for women considering adoption to go to in order to make an informed decision, was deleted on Y/A, I will post it here. I was hoping for more exposure there but hey it offended someone.

I will gather more and post it later. For now here is a good start on tactics used, to manipulate a young scared mother to be. Followed by KNOW YOUR RIGHTS at the bottom. Enjoy and Inform.


Below is a list of some common practices used systemically by the adoption industry on single mothers in English-speaking nations from about 1950-onwards, as means of obtaining babies for adoption. These tactics might variously have been applied by social workers, clergy, "adoption facilitators," nurses, nuns, clergy, doctors or others with a vested interest in obtaining a baby to broker for adoption.

A. Psychological Coercion.
Purpose: To convince you that you were unfit as a mother and thus had to give your baby to people "more fit' or "more deserving." Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":You were told you that you were unfit to be a mother because you were 'unwed'. You were told that you would be inadequate as a mother. You were told that keeping your baby would be selfish. You were forced to draw up a list comparing what you could give to your baby with what adopters could give. It was stressed to you that your baby "needed a two-parent family." It was stressed to you that the needs of your baby came before your own needs and that you could not fulfill your baby's needs. The doctor who delivered your baby told you that you must sign-over your baby to him for adoption. (Did you later find out that the baby was adopted by friends of the doctor?) You were told that if you did not surrender your baby, that your baby would be put into foster care until you did sign. You are told that surrendering your baby is an expression of how much you love your baby (message: if you keep your baby then you don't love your baby). You are told that adoption is "thinking about what is best for your baby." (message: adoption is best for your baby). You are told that adoption is "putting your baby's needs first." (i.e., before your own needs. Message: your baby does not need you.)

B. Psychological Coercion.
Purpose: To convince you that you have an emotional obligation to surrender your baby.Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":You were told to think only of the joy that you'd "give to a couple who could not have children of their own." You were told that if you changed your mind, you would be disappointing a wonderful mother who was "waiting for her first baby." You were told that you could not keep your baby as your baby has been promised to someone already. You were encouraged to have the adopters pay your medical or living expenses such that you felt you "owed" them your baby. You were encouraged to meet with the adopters and after meeting them felt you could not bear to disappoint them by choosing to keep your baby You were encouraged to establish a relationship with the adopters, and then "fell in love with" with them prior to surrender. You were told by your parents that you could come home once you had "disposed of the problem" (i.e. surrendered your baby). You were encouraged to have the adopters in the labour or delivery room with you, for the birth of "their" baby, and thus you felt you could not bear to disappoint them by "changing your mind."

C. Psychological Coercion.
Purpose: To remove from you all personal support systems and make you reliant on adoption professionals for advice, counselling and emotional support. To distance you from any person who might try to provide alternatives to surrender.Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":Your family members or boyfriend were discouraged by adoption professionals from helping you.. Your family members and/or boyfriend were prohibited from seeing you. You were incarcerated by your parents in a maternity home or wage home where adoption was stressed as "the loving option" and/or "the only option." Contact with your parents, boyfriend, fiance, etc. was restricted by the agency, maternity home, or social worker(s). Your correspondence in or out of the maternity home or wage home was screened. Telephone use was restricted in the maternity home or wage home. Your boyfriend was lied to by adoption professionals that the baby was not his. You were told that your parents were coercing you by encouraging you to keep your baby, that "they only want to be grandparents." You were encouraged to distrust anyone who didn't support you surrendering your baby.

D. Psychological Coercion.
Purpose: To psychologically and physically distance you from your baby in order to increase the probability that you would surrender. To ensure that surrender of your baby was seen by you a "inevitable." Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":Your baby was taken from you at birth by either medical professionals or prospective adopters. Your access to your baby in the hospital was severely restricted by medical and/or nursing staff. You were put into a ward other than the maternity ward for recovery, a distance away from your baby. Your baby was immediately transferred without your consent to a different hospital. While still pregnant you were labelled a "birthmother," to put you into the mind-set that your only role in the life of your child was to give birth. You asked for your baby and were told "No!" You were told that you were not allowed to see your baby unless/until you signed the surrender papers. You asked for your baby and were told that it was best that you did not see your baby. You were given general anesthetic for the birth and kept under anesthetic until your baby was removed for adoption. You were given mind-altering drugs such as scopalamine by medical staff for several days after the birth in order to induce amnesia. Your signature was obtained while under the influence of mind-altering drugs administered to you by medical staff.. The drug Stilboestrol was administered to you as a lactation suppressant without your consent. You asked for your baby back and the adopters stalled until the "revocation of consent" period had expired.

E. Psychological Coercion.
P urpose: To psychologically traumatize you to decrease the chances of you bonding with your baby. Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":Information about labour and delivery was deliberately kept from you such that you were scared and traumatized by the unfamiliar process once labour began. You were left isolated and alone during labour. If there was a hospital attached to the maternity home, were you and other inmates forced to dispose of the placentas? You were physically assaulted and/or mutilated by hospital personnel during labour and/or birth (see "Catherine's Story") You were called derogatory names or otherwise derided by doctors, nurses or medical personnel during your pregnancy, labour or birth. The episiotomy was cut, or sewn-up, without anesthesia. The episiotomy cut thru ligaments, was cut down your leg, or was otherwise unnecessarily large.

F. Financial Coercion.
Purpose: To make you feel financially pressured to surrender. Note: young single mothers are often in a financially-vulnerable situation anyway and thus financial coercion is often a major factor. You are told, or led to believe, that no social assistance was available that would provide you with the financial support necessary to enable you to keep your baby. You are told near or after the birth that if you change your mind, you would be liable for paying for medical bills or other costs beyond your ability to pay. The hospital refused to release your baby to you unless you pay them a large sum of money beyond your ability to pay.

G. Fraud.
Purpose: To guarantee the surrender of your child. Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":Your baby was taken immediately into foster care with no explanation and kept there with the location kept secret from you until the social worker could use "abandonment" as a basis for revoking your parental rights. You were told at some point that the adoption was "final" and found out later that it wasn't. You were told that your baby had died at birth and later found this was false. Note, this is known in the adoption industry as "rapid adoption" - see the article "Rapid Adoptions." ALL single mothers who were told that their baby was stillborn and were not permitted to see the body should demand to see the certificate of death! You were told that the adoption was "final" and found out later that it wasn't at that point in time. You were told that there were no other alternatives. (information about social assistance was withheld from you). You were led to believe that a promise of open adoption was a legally-binding agreement and the adoption later closed. You were told you would "get over it" and be able to return to your "normal life." The documents were signed by someone else forging your signature without your knowledge or consent. You were informed after signing a "pre-birth consent" that it would be held binding in a court-of-law.

H. Withholding information from the mother.
Purpose: To you to surrender by withholding known information about risks or negative consequences. Methods used by "Adoption Professionals":Information withheld about the known lifelong implications, risks, and emotional consequences of surrender (see www.birthmothers.info for information adoption professionals are aware of but commonly withhold) Information withheld about options that would enable you to keep your baby (i.e. financial assistance, temporary foster care, foster care for you and your child together, temporary guardianship, or filing through court for child support from your baby's father) Information withheld about your right to independent legal counsel to explain the legal document you were signing and the legal ramifications of it and to be present in the room to protect your rights as you signed it. Information withheld about the existence of a "revocation of consent" period. You were not permitted to read the documents you were signing. You were not given a copy of the documents you signed. You were pressured to decide on adoption while still pregnant, or to surrender your infant without being able to first care for your infant for several weeks post-partum in order to make an informed decision about motherhood? Information withheld from you about your right to take as many days, weeks or months as you needed before deciding on adoption, if you decided on it at all. Information withheld about your right to care-for and nurture your baby in the hospital. Information withheld about your right to take your baby home from the hospital with you.

In Contrast:
Your Rights as a Mother:
These are some of the rights that may have been denied to you, no matter what your age or social situation was when you gave birth: You had the right to see your baby after he/she was born. You had the right to hold, nurse, and care for your baby.You had the right to be told the sex of your baby. You had the right to independent legal counsel to explain the legal documents were were signing and to be present when you signed them.You had the right to care for your baby without feeling pressured to decide about adoption within ANY certain time period. You had the right to adequate financial support which would have enabled you to keep and raise your baby. These rights come from application of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html), which has since 1948 guaranteed ALL citizens of Canada, the U.S. and other nations these protections:Article 12. - No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, FAMILY, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks. Article 16(3) - The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State. Article 25(1) - Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control. (2) Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection. Were mothers "choosing" adoption?

DECISION: The ability to make a fully-informed, non-coerced choice between two or more viable options. Starvation, homelessness, or harm to our children are NOT viable options. How they committed a crime by taking our babies: The Criminal Code of Canada (http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/C-46/42433.html) states, "(281) Abduction of Person Under Fourteen - Every one who, not being the parent ... unlawfully takes, entices away, conceals, detains, receives or harbours that person with intent to deprive a parent ... of the possession of that person is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding ten years."" They had no "legal authority" to take our children away from us any more than they would have had the legal authority to do it to an older, married mother.

See A Call to Exiled Natural Mothers Copyright © 2004 Origins Canada. Permission to reprint granted as long as this article is reprinted in its entirety and with copyright statement included.

Since Rachael can't have another copy of her original birth certificate, (yes she had one and of all things it was stolen) and I lied about her fathers name on her original, AND she would need BOTH sets of parents permission to receive a new copy, would a blood test proving her father is in fact her father suffice in a court of law so that we parents (all 4 of us) could give our permission for her to have a new birth certificate?

Would it be possible to have her fathers real name inserted where the slightly altered name off of a cigarette pack is? I wonder? It will be impossible to get one even with every one's permission since her father is not the name listed on the original. A blood test would be the only way to clear that. But if we did clear that would it be possible to get her an original birth certificate with her mother and father's real name on it?

Any thoughts?

In the past few months I have been feeling more confident about my position in adoption land. I am finally finding a voice, a passion, a stand. I have offered my ear or my email to women who are thinking of surrendering their children. I have offered my email to women who have recently surrendered and are having the proverbial hard time getting through each and every day with out a melt down.

Does this mean I have turned into the sweetest most compassionate person on the planet? Hardly. In fact it means a bit of the opposite. I've been getting a bit rowdier, more vocal. I have been stating my position with confidence. Something I could not do before. I couldn't do it because I wasn't sure where I stood. I certainly didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to do or say something that would jeopardize my relationship with my daughter or turn her parents against me in any way. But I think I have found my common ground.

I have read more in this past year than I have my entire life, and my waist line is definite proof that I tell the truth. I have been making friends and acquaintances with some perspective adoptive parents. Ones who have been turned off by the rantings of the unhappy, ungrateful adoptees. I have opened up my email to those who dare take the bait and I have actually been able to point out a few things to those who reside on the winning side of adoption. Mostly in the areas of myth busting. Myth being that all adoptees are legally available for adoption. Myth being that signing papers takes away feelings of the heart. Myth being that a relationship between a first mother and daughter negates the position of an adoptive mother.

My daughters parents are her mom and dad. I am her mother. I have a relationship with her. I have been accepted as her mother by her mom. I have been invited to their home, which I never thought would happen. I have shared my story and deepest pain with women I do not know. I have passed along information in an attempt to open the eyes of women on the other side of adoption. I have thought, pondered and blogged about the pain an infertile woman must feel and how it differs only slightly from the pain of a surrendering mother. Bottom line it is the pain of empty arms. Something women from both sides can relate to and come together on if they try.

Now I have decided to try and bring women together from both sides of a child. That's what it is basically. One side is surrender the other is infertility and for some reason it pits them against each other. Something I honestly believe was started by the all too uncaring agencies. Something I see as being completely and totally unnecessary and I am out to prove it.

In order for this to work I think I need to put myself out there, vulnerably. So here's your chance. What ever you write I will post unless it is descriptive of me naked. That's a visual no one needs and it means your probably my neighbor in which your opinion doesn't count.

I'm looking for women to tell me what they think.

Am I on the right track?

Am I wrong?

Do I live in a fantasy world?

Is my reunion a farce?

Are all these stories of abused adoptees, baby brokers, baby farms, human trafficking, surrendering mothers pain, a fabrication?

What do you think is in the best interest of an adopted child? Why?

Would an adoptees relationship with two sets of parents be a good thing, a bad thing, impossible? Why?

Are you afraid of International Adoption ending? Why? What does it mean to you?

Do you think the system is broken? Why?

If I can accept and acknowledge your pain can you accept and acknowledge mine?

Am I missing something? What?

Can we become responsible for changing adoption together in the name of what is best for the children AND for us?

Now for the DISCLAIMER: I'm looking for honest opinions on ways to bring women together. I am not discarding men. I am focusing on women. If men want to put in their comments they are more than welcome to do so. I welcome ANY male perspectives. I want real stuff though, if you have a strong opinion one way or another, THAT'S what I want to hear. If you think I'm an idiot okay, say so and move on, don't give me 40 paragraphs on why I'm an idiot.

If you have suggestions, I want to hear them. What do you think needs to happen before women can come together and make adoption a functioning system that is in all actuality a win win win situation.

All I ask is that you be "at least" from one side of adoption. This includes extended family. Grandparents especially, but also Aunts Uncles, siblings. If you have something to say that is within the broad and very laxed guidelines, I want to hear it.

FYI: I want people to understand that finding my voice came directly from the people some seem to think are the root of the problem. "The Ungrateful Bastards" If they had not been so patient with me over the past months (I'm sure out of respect for my daughter) I would not know what I do today. I surely did not know all this a few months ago. Do I have the utmost respect for them? YES. Should this be a problem here? NO.

I AM NOT NECESSARILY LOOKING FOR ANSWERS TO THESE SPECIFIC QUESTIONS, JUST PUT THEM OUT THERE AS A STARTER. SAY WHAT EVER YO FEEL IS RELEVENT.

I read a question on one of the popular places to go on the Internet today. The poster asked how so many can try to persuade her into keeping her child when we don't know her at all and she thinks she isn't the best thing for the child. She was irritated that so many are trying to "force" her into keeping her child. She seems to think we have no right. I usually do not boast the keep your baby scenario. I try to stay neutral to a mothers situation. I know how I felt when it was my turn to step up to the big girl plate and make my decision. I try to give the same respect but at the same time try to make sure that they ARE making an informed decision.

I have had a few women through invitation by me, email me just to talk about what it's like, how do I get through from day to day, did I make a mistake, when does the day come that my every thought isn't consumed with the ache of my empty arms? It is heart wrenching to hear the pain in their words. It is all too familiar.

There were several surrendering mothers who genuinely tried to explain what can not be explained. I have already said this but it is something you have to go through to understand and that alone is not good enough for these women considering adoption for their child. I don't want to point out the dark side, my daughter got a good home. Bottom line my daughter and I both got lucky. A luck that took 28 years for me to realize. But that's not my point.

I wanted to add to what had already been said but so much had been explained already I wasn't sure I could add anything. So I pointed out that those who dismiss adoption stories as only the doom and gloomers version and only once in a while fluke situations were not the women who had lived being a surrendering mother. That the women who had actually worn her shoes were looking out for HER. Most had already stated that it takes wearing those shoes to know how it feels. One even posted questions from that site that had already been asked by other mothers who were suffering because of their decision. I was at a loss for words so I asked her if she could live with the stories of another adopted child found dead or abused? If she was aware that not all children get the pony and the pool? That later on she may find out that her child might have actually been better off with her rather than without. Again I asked her if she could live with that?

I hope one of us got through to her that not all adoptive parents are necessarily better than a mother who has low self esteem issues. And that we are actually looking out for her.

DISCLAIMER: By no stretch of the imagination am I intending to disrespect good adoptive parents who love, care for, and try to understand what is important to their child. I am trying to find the words to express how it feels to be me.

Rachael and I have both been so busy lately. Rachael is always busy, I have spurts. But none the less it is by no means rare form for either of us to miss the first two days of blogging in the month long quest to bring awareness to adoption.

Come to think of it she probably doesn't even know I signed us up for this. She will find out when she reads this post. I have wanted to take the time to post my views on infertility and I have been afraid to take the time. Why? Because I understand the pain and I haven't wanted to take the time to find just the right words.

Words are everything. Language is everything to adoption. I understand this, but most of my emotions, in depth feelings, and compassion, struggle to come out in proper words. It's like trying to describe how it feels to be kicked in the gut really hard. Something that has to be felt to understand. This is how I feel about my side of adoption, the surrendering mother side. If I could find the right words I'm sure anyone who ever read them would never surrender a child. It has to be the same feeling to find out that a person is infertile.

There has to be that indescribable feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of being cheated, left out, passed by in the line of particular body parts. I understand this. I can't pretend to know exactly how it feels, but I can through my own experience understand that there are no words that can describe the emptiness. I would imagine it would create a feeling of empty arms similar to what I felt as a woman who was fertile, suffered the nine months, and went home from a long, nightmarish ordeal of a delivery with nothing to show for my fight. A three day long fight that left me physically scarred from a C section.

I also understand the anger felt toward women who feel that their or their mates infertility entitles them to a child from other means. I understand why adoptees see these woman as selfish. Their medical circumstances has blinded them to certain aspects of adoption. The human factor seems to have gone out the window and the must have desire in them seems to have taken over.

I do not profess that all infertile women posses this quality. In fact it seems that things are slowly changing. More openness and respect on behalf of the adoptee has seemed to bring more infertile women to a point of listening at the very least. Some still resist, but it seems to me that more and more each day are reading the things that adoptees and surrendering mothers have to say. It seems that adoptees have in fact found their voice. They have found the words to express what it feels like to be adopted. I on the other hand still struggle with the words. It brings me back to the kick in the gut. Something you just have to experience to understand.

My hope is that if I can express in some small way that I understand your pain, maybe you will give me the benefit of the doubt and try to understand mine. To never be able to conceive, carry, feel the movement of a child growing inside you must be a devastating blow. To never have the back aches, heart burn, swelling from head to toe, lack of comfortable sleep, huge leaking breasts, raging hormones, and the physical PAIN of delivery that compares to no other, is truly something you are missing out on and my heart aches for you.

Try if you can, after several months of bonding with, forming love for, and parenting your child brought to you through adoption, to imagine what it must be like to go through all the things you will never experience and go home without the child you yourself have grown to love. It doesn't matter what a woman was, abusive, neglectful, addicted, abandoned or alone, the feeling is still the same for most. Her social status, bad choices, dealt cards mean nothing. Whether she surrendered freely or had help from her peers, society, church, the feeling is still the same. Whether she deserves the child or not, the feeling is still the same.

Why did I post this? In an attempt to bring mothers together. To show mutual respect for one another's misfortunes in life. To try an stop the madness that has become our modern day adoption which pits mother against mother through lies, deceipt, and money, and does nothing for the innocent, struggling child.

Was I wrong to try?

THIS IS HAPPENING TO A FRIEND OF OURS. PLEASE READ AND USE THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM TO SEE WHAT THE AGENCY ADVERTIZES THAT IT OFFERS AS OPPOSED TO WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DO.

Please Help Everyone!
« on: October 22, 2008, 07:12:47 PM »
Quote
It has been two days since Holt received this and not a peep. Typically I hear back from them within an hour.Either they have decided to cut their losses with me or they are in the backroom trying to figure out how to do damage control.Please everyone, If you can post my original post (below) on other boards,blogs, websites, that would be a great help.I have tried unsuccessfully to join some other groups over the pastcouple of months (just never heard back from some, so maybe they areinactive?) and/or I don't know what all places get the most traffic,as I am pretty new to being out of my adoption fog. Especially if youare a member of any international KAD sites, that would be helpful aswell.I think this is important for ALL Holt alumni to see what has happenedto me, because this treatment is not an isolated incident.Thank you!I have prefaced the document with background info for easier cuttingand pasting below*******************************************************************Holt Renigs on Promise-one document was found addressing two abandoned children:-the document is not officially stamped-the document has seven items which address them sometimesindividually, sometime together-transferred on the same day-from the same place-same sex-same age-the were given provisional names due to being abandoned-they were later given consecutive Holt orphan numbers,#4708 and #4709 (which every Holt orphan exhibits on their littlesquare photo)There is a remote possibility the girls could be related.Holt International located the girl's files and promised to contacther. After conferring with Holt Korea, they have rescinded their promise.Read her letter to Holt International below:Steve Kalb of Holt International,I entered into this search process not unlike most every otheradoptee, naively thinking Holt would help me out as stated on yourwebsite. However, this process, though friendly, has beencontinuously frustrated by your methods.* First, your organization told me you could not provide assistancebecause I was abandoned and there was no identifying information. Sorry.* Then, I received my child records, which are my legal right, only tofind there was important information in my records.* When pressed to receive my FULL record, which is my legal right, andwhich includes the records in Korea, I was told they were the same asthe records at Holt International in Oregon.* Then, I was told that assessment of my Holt Korea records showedthere was no identifying information so you couldn't help me. Sorry.* When pressed about what Holt Korea was looking at, I was told it wasjust one page in a log book and there was nothing important. Sorry* Only after persisting did your organization relent and send mecopies of my Holt Korea file and it proved to have two documentsinstead of one. The second document was most definitely very important.* There has been nothing but excuses and delays in a propertranslation of this important document.* When I asked to put my request for contact with Holt orphan #4709 inher passive registry you told me you could do better and facilitatecontact. You have broken that promise.Once again, you are acting as arbiters of what is and isn't valid.It is my understanding that two children on one document is NOT COMMONas you state.I find the argument that we can not possibly be related due to havingdifferent family names UNACCEPTABLE, as it states right on thedocument that we were given provisional names. Since both our nameswere fabricated, then how can you use a difference in names as theargument for BREAKING YOUR PROMISE to facilitate my contact? how canwe trust any of the other data, such as age? If Holt Korea now sayswe are six months apart, How do we know that is true if our NAMES werefabricated? How can you discern fact from fiction when there is noknown facts but known fiction? How can we trust your organizationwith an abysmal track record like the history outlined above?Your repeated frustration of my search efforts continue to be basedupon illogical premises and this frustrates locating a possible familytie that could be re-established, independent of a mother's desire toremain anonymous. If this frustration is not intentional, then thereis gross ignorance and ineptitude on the part of Holt International.You can DO BETTER. You have not handled my case well. You can do ASYOU PROMISED and facilitate contact with girl #4709, since you DO haveidentifying information for her, so that we definitively - and notjust based on your doubts - rule out that she is my sister. This isnot a matter of CAN you do it. This is a matter of WILL.Holt orphan #4709 may very well not be my sister, but it is ridiculousto not bother to find out. There is nothing to be lost by contact andeverything to be gained.I had no beef with your organization prior to this, but this charadeof what you call assisted search has inflamed my attitude towardsHolt. It's not too late to actually provide what you say you do. AndKEEP YOUR PROMISES.Once again, I must remind you that my entire search process is beingshared publicly and is transparent on this end, even if it isn't onyour end. The more you make my search more difficult than it has tobe, the less flattering it is for Holt International. And this iskey, Mr. Kalb - you could have spared all of us a lot of irritationand bad humor if you'd just ponied up all my documents up front fromday one and reviewed them with an investigative eye to TRULY assistme. I don't understand how continuously trying to send the adoptee ontheir way empty handed helps your case.I would like to close my dealings with your organization on a positivenote. Please give me reason to do so.ADDED:For detailed information on how to decipher Holt's Post Adoptionpractices, and what you can do to prevail, read the permanent pageBe Tenacious - How to get your identity backhttp://holtsurvivor.wordpress.com/be-tenacious-how-to-get-your-identity-back/If you have any information regarding orphan #4709, please contactal.most_human@...