My views on Infertility  

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Rachael and I have both been so busy lately. Rachael is always busy, I have spurts. But none the less it is by no means rare form for either of us to miss the first two days of blogging in the month long quest to bring awareness to adoption.

Come to think of it she probably doesn't even know I signed us up for this. She will find out when she reads this post. I have wanted to take the time to post my views on infertility and I have been afraid to take the time. Why? Because I understand the pain and I haven't wanted to take the time to find just the right words.

Words are everything. Language is everything to adoption. I understand this, but most of my emotions, in depth feelings, and compassion, struggle to come out in proper words. It's like trying to describe how it feels to be kicked in the gut really hard. Something that has to be felt to understand. This is how I feel about my side of adoption, the surrendering mother side. If I could find the right words I'm sure anyone who ever read them would never surrender a child. It has to be the same feeling to find out that a person is infertile.

There has to be that indescribable feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of being cheated, left out, passed by in the line of particular body parts. I understand this. I can't pretend to know exactly how it feels, but I can through my own experience understand that there are no words that can describe the emptiness. I would imagine it would create a feeling of empty arms similar to what I felt as a woman who was fertile, suffered the nine months, and went home from a long, nightmarish ordeal of a delivery with nothing to show for my fight. A three day long fight that left me physically scarred from a C section.

I also understand the anger felt toward women who feel that their or their mates infertility entitles them to a child from other means. I understand why adoptees see these woman as selfish. Their medical circumstances has blinded them to certain aspects of adoption. The human factor seems to have gone out the window and the must have desire in them seems to have taken over.

I do not profess that all infertile women posses this quality. In fact it seems that things are slowly changing. More openness and respect on behalf of the adoptee has seemed to bring more infertile women to a point of listening at the very least. Some still resist, but it seems to me that more and more each day are reading the things that adoptees and surrendering mothers have to say. It seems that adoptees have in fact found their voice. They have found the words to express what it feels like to be adopted. I on the other hand still struggle with the words. It brings me back to the kick in the gut. Something you just have to experience to understand.

My hope is that if I can express in some small way that I understand your pain, maybe you will give me the benefit of the doubt and try to understand mine. To never be able to conceive, carry, feel the movement of a child growing inside you must be a devastating blow. To never have the back aches, heart burn, swelling from head to toe, lack of comfortable sleep, huge leaking breasts, raging hormones, and the physical PAIN of delivery that compares to no other, is truly something you are missing out on and my heart aches for you.

Try if you can, after several months of bonding with, forming love for, and parenting your child brought to you through adoption, to imagine what it must be like to go through all the things you will never experience and go home without the child you yourself have grown to love. It doesn't matter what a woman was, abusive, neglectful, addicted, abandoned or alone, the feeling is still the same for most. Her social status, bad choices, dealt cards mean nothing. Whether she surrendered freely or had help from her peers, society, church, the feeling is still the same. Whether she deserves the child or not, the feeling is still the same.

Why did I post this? In an attempt to bring mothers together. To show mutual respect for one another's misfortunes in life. To try an stop the madness that has become our modern day adoption which pits mother against mother through lies, deceipt, and money, and does nothing for the innocent, struggling child.

Was I wrong to try?

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3 comments: to “ My views on Infertility

  • maybe
    Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 11:52:00 AM PST  

    No, you are not wrong to try. We do need to bring mothers together, to stop viewing each other as competition for men and babies. And we certainly need to stop the hateful attitude that is thrown around, ie. THAT WOMAN doesn't deserve to have a baby, she is too young, poor etc. We can all work together to help mothers who are in difficult circumstance.

  • Unknown
    Friday, November 14, 2008 at 8:22:00 PM PST  

    From my heart...thank you.

    I will never fully be able to understand the loss a first mom experiences in adoption. But yes, I do believe we all need to come to a "middle ground" for the sake of the adoptees.

    Our adoption journey started with infertility. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect a doctor to tell us that we would never be able to have children or that I would never experience the one thing that defines you as a woman....motherhood. My life was shattered. I could not imagine living life without a family or someone to ever call me mom. What did I ever do in my lifetime that had God punishing me this horribly?

    It was only after we met our son - through a mutual friend - that I realized it wasn't about "me" but about this innocent child who needed a family to speak up for him. You see, our son suffers from a rare life-threatening medical disorder. He needed parents who could and would "fight" for what he needed and would love him regardless of what the disorder dealt him. His first parents were unable to provide that for him and were choosing to make an adoption plan rather than having him placed in foster care (as the state had tried to do). Was I being a "hero"? I didn't (and still don't) feel that way. Did I feel "entitled" to this child? It never even crossed my mind to feel "entitled". I simply looked at it from the standpoint that here was a little boy who needed us, and in a way, we needed him. We were truly being "blessed" with a family thanks to adoption.

    I guess the point I am trying to make is that all sides of the triad experience such a vast range of emotions - so many of them similar and yet so different. If nothing else, we should all be able to have compassion for the other (just as you suggested) and respect where each of us is coming from.

    I thank you for your words. I thank you for your friendship. And I thank you for sharing your thoughts & experiences.

    -- Kim (aka BPD Wife)

  • Lori A
    Saturday, November 15, 2008 at 3:19:00 PM PST  

    Two great responses from two great ladies, Maybe and Kim, whom I personally respect and admire a lot. Thank you for even reading here. I never thought the words of a blogging mom and daughter would appeal to anyone. I appreciate your support respect and friendship immensely.

    Thank you so much for your input here and on the post "Coming Together"

    Two down,
    ???,???,???,???,???,???,??? to go. But it's a start.


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