Hostility hangover......  

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I know Lori has covered the subject about her confusion on other birthmoms and their lack of feelings for their children they relinquished. And I think she did a great job relaying her emotions on this. But I have to chime in on this.

Granted I am not a relinquishing mother, I have not given any children up for adoption so I can empathize with the emotions but not really understand them. Such as Lori and others can never truly understand what its like to be on my end-an adoptee. I think we both have a pretty good grasp of what the other has been through and respect the pain each has felt.
But the others....the ones that pretend as though they never gave birth, that blame the child THEY gave away, the ones that treat their relinquished children as a hostile addition to their lives......I ask you this......who the hell do you think you are?

YOU got pregnant. We were not there to assist, goad or provoke you. YOU are the one that chose to sleep with whomever our fahters are. **Now in the case of abuse, rape or any other form of this-I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU. I understand your pain and wanting to block it out. I can't say I fully agree with turning your back on the child, but I can see why it would be much harder for you to be there for us with welcoming arms.

But you others, the ones that simply made a mistake and got pregnant, HOW CAN YOU SHUN US FOR YOUR POOR JUDGEMENT???
I did not twist Lori's arm to sleep with Jim. It was a choice she made. I was the consequence of that. I feel no remorse for this, I feel no responsibility. I WAS NOT EVEN THERE. I also feel no anger toward her. I was a mistake, I'm good with that, it's ok.
I also made some poor choices. I took a different path than Lori. I graduate from high school 6 months pregnant. I blame no one but myself. I made that choice and I got pregnant, I choose to keep my daughter. Doesn't make me better, worse or anything else. I was just one more choice I had to make. Key words here are "I HAD TO MAKE" No one else.

I grasp the idea that you were young, poor, scared....all the reasons i have heard from others on why they relinquished. I support the choice you felt you made for the better. Hell, I even respect if you are one of those that flat out did not love/want/care about your child and you made steps to give them something more. But that still does not release you from your liability. You DID give birth, You ARE someones mother, You owe them at the VERY LEAST the common curtosy of giving them their history. Why??? BECAUSE YOU CREATED THEM, YOU GAVE THEM LIFE, BUCK UP AND ADMIT YOU DID MAKE A MISTAKE AND DID THE BEST YOU COULD IN THE SITUATION.

Everyone has things they are not proud of, if that is the reason for turning your back on the person that spent 9 months sharing your body, get over it. No one is perfect, people will look at you with more respect if you just say "I did the best I could" rather than act like a spoiled brat that isn't getting her way.
If you are unable to stand up and be a grown up then, in my mind, you are weak.

This not meant to be offensive. Well, maybe it is, I don't honestly care if anyone gets angry with me over this blog. It will not effect my life one bit. I am just so tired of talking to my other adoptee friends that have not had the positive relationship with their bmoms. They are shunned, condemned, tossed aside. They do not deserve such treatment for actions they had no voice in and no vote in. YOU ARE THE ONES THAT MADE THE CHOICE FOR US. We should not be expected to bear YOUR cross for eternity because you are too small of a person to do it yourself.

To those bmoms that wait eons to have their relinquished children find them, heart heavy and soul bruised, I thank you. I thank you for the open mind and strong backbone you exhibit. Being a bmom is not easy, but being strong enough to admit your shortcomings at that time in your life and want to hold your child again, shows more character than you will ever know.

Lori has always been honest with me. She has put out there that her life was a mess at the time SHE got pregnant and the choice SHE made to relinquish me. She is not faultless, but she was more woman than any of these cowards. She may not be famous, rich or powerful but she is my mother. And she knows that. She admits that. She made mistakes, she did the best she could, she made a choice to protect me, she stood by her decision, she claims no martyer title. She was a scared little girl with grown up decisions to make. At 16 she was more grown than any of you other so called women that can't even admit to themselves what they have done.


Lori, I am PROUD to be your daughter. I am PROUD that you are able to say I was a mistake and stand by your choices. I am PROUD that you are as strong as you are. I am PROUD you are not one of these weaklings that want to put on the rose colored glasses and pretend nothing ever happened. I will take your loud, brash, overly honest, in your face, kiss my ass personality any day.
You look in the mirror and remind yourself.....you are awesome and your daughter is gonna be just like you.

Thank you, for being a royal pain in the asses of the weaklings. I could not as asked for a better person to be my mother.
I love you......PAINFULLY

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3 comments: to “ Hostility hangover......

  • Lori A
    Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 8:30:00 AM PST  

    God I love this daughter of mine. I am loud, I am an in your face type person, I am over the top sometimes, and I take full responsibility where she gets it from.

    Thank you for not being embarrassed by me. I am many things, but mostly I am honest.

    Your brothers do not share your view of me. This is something you missed out on as I was at the school both yesterday 3 times and again for an hour and a half this morning. LOL

    Timing might have been bad due to Vietnam, my dirty family secrets may have played too much of a part in my decision, but I never saw you as a mistake. Don't ever think I look at you that way. You are the living bond between a man I love very much and myself. We created something that has and always will be one of our greatest accomplishments.

    Had I been a little older, enough to protect you, do you really think I would have let you go? I do not influence easily through peer presure. I was the first one on the block to get pregnant, I would have been the first to also keep my child had I been able to keep you safe.

    We may not do great things together you and I, but together you and I are great, and I love being your mother.

  • Being Me
    Saturday, November 22, 2008 at 1:01:00 PM PST  

    I appreciate Lori clarifying the bit about mistakes. I made mistakes but I would never consider my daughter one of those.

    I've made lots of mistakes and am still working on correcting many.

  • Lori A
    Monday, November 24, 2008 at 8:26:00 AM PST  

    Being Me: I couldn't agree with you more. I have mad a life time of mistakes but never considered any of my children to be mistakes. I don't believe in children being mistakes and have had some rather heated conversations over that very topic. How could anyone call their child a mistake, yet people do it every day. I wonder what those children think of themselves and their parents when they get older?

    I think those are very powerful words that should never be told to a child.

 

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