To Step In or Stay Out  

Saturday, July 19, 2008

After reading Rachael's last post, my heart ached. She called and forewarned me. But it didn't change the way I felt. I have a dilemma here that has been weighing on me since her and I first found Jim last October. That would be to step in or stay out of their reunion.

I try to stay out of it but seem to keep stepping into it and I don't know if that is fair to either of them. Unlike most, I have an unbelievable relationship with my daughter. We don't have just a good relationship, we have a phenomenal relationship. And again, unlike most I don't have just an average tolerable relationship with her father, I have a great relationship with him. I have been reunited with one of the most talented, loving, unpredictable people I have ever met. We are truly friends and I have no problem talking to him about most anything.

Hence the problem. I have a great relationship with both of them and the two of them don't seem to be getting their relationship off the ground. I have to admit, Rachael has been MOST patient with him. She has been chomping at the bit to devour every fiber of this mans being. She wants to know everything about him and she has wanted to know since last October when she first laid eyes on him. He on the other hand has truly been so busy that it is hard for him to get time for her. He being on a very early day routine and her on an afternoon shift, makes things even harder. I have suggested that 6am is a very good time for the two of them to chat for even a few minutes. She is coming off work and he is usually just getting started. Neither of them has taken advantage of this time slot.

I know he loves her. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. He just hasn't made time for her like she would like him to. She adores him, but is feeling like he isn't interested. She doesn't want to push, she doesn't want to invade. She wants to give him enough time to digest the enormity of reunion, but she is her mothers daughter in this respect and if it were up to her, she would have known everything but where the scars were that earned him 3 purple hearts by now. She may of even know that.

So once again I pick up the phone and ask him we are still planning our get together in August? His response: yeah, I'll try. I stick my neck out even further and ask him if he is still interested in a relationship with his daughter? THAT GOT HIS ATTENTION. We talked briefly about how her biggest fear is standing at his funeral hearing about how wonderful he was from everybody else because she never got the chance to get to know him herself. I gently reminded him that it has been almost a year since they met, and that I never did tell her the story about the garden and the steaks. He chuckled a bit as I told him that. I pointed out that it isn't my story to tell and she is still waiting to hear it. I told him how the closest thing we can come up with as far as describing us as parents vs her adoptive parents (who are the Cleavers all the way) is Bonnie & Clyde. He found humor in that, even though we weren't quite that bad. I pointed out that since meeting me, she has a pretty good idea of what we were like back in the day and he wasn't going to shock her with any stories of his life.

I know how much "I" want this reunion to work between them, but it's not my reunion. I always feel like I'm intruding on their relationship by doing these things. On the flip side, I feel like if I don't, an otherwise good relationship between a "one time only father" and a "didn't fall far from the tree daughter" who have confessed their love for one another, may slip away silently.

Our conversation was wonderful as usual. It is always good to hear his voice. The problem is I seem to hear more of it than Rachael does. So I ponder, do I keep stepping in and try to nudge their relationship along, or do I step out and watch it silently slip away?

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1 comments: to “ To Step In or Stay Out

  • Unknown
    Saturday, July 19, 2008 at 9:28:00 AM PDT  

    Follow your heart, Lori! It has gotten you this far! Rachael needs this healing time with her father and you (bull headed, determined, & a loving mother) surely won't let this relationship slip through your fingers if you can help it. Jim must see soo much of you in Rachael!! Which was at one time, I'm sure, was a loving relationship. The August meeting would be the next best step to the healing process that Rachael, you and Jim so desperately need!! One step at a time!! At least you can't say "I didn't step in" instead of "I stayed out". Too much love there to be lost! God Bless you and your family!


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