Do You Ever Just Know Something In Your Gut?  

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I do. There are things that I can just feel. Like meeting my daughter again. Like Her father really wanting a relationship.

Rachael and I have talked about how well my reunion was going with my old friend (her father) as compared to how her reunion was going with him. It does appear that I talk to him more than she does due to circumstances. All reasoning aside, and as much as I am enjoying my friendship it bothers me that her reunion isn't going better, faster, smoother.

We are already the odd reunion group by being able to be friends. Jim and I have been able to pick up a friendship after so many years and so many miles weathered by each of us.

Rachael was feeling unimportant and may still, due to the lack of communication between her and her father. She knows he loves her but he just isn't putting much effort into their relationship. She wants phone calls, stories, news of how his day went and she isn't getting it.

Rachael and I talked about our reunion with Jim not being a package deal. By that I mean we met him together after all those years, we each have his phone number, we each communicate with him, sort of, etc.... I posted my feelings on Staying in or stepping out of their reunion. I was willing to back out if it was what needed to happen. I never thought it would end up her saying that she would back out so that Jim and my relationship wouldn't be clouded. This stirred mixed feelings in me. I love this man, I truly do, but he is hurting my daughters feelings. How did we go from finding her dad to her backing out so him and I can get on with our reunion? This is soooo not where I thought this was going to end up.

Part of the problem is he works 7 days a week, another, they are on different shifts. I am the link between the two as far as time slots. She goes to work the same time he gets off work, She's home and winding down when he's getting up.

I did not want to believe that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. Inside me I was torn between not letting that happen and remembering that not all things are within my control nor my responsibility.

Finally yesterday I admitted to my daughter that she might be right. I had called him twice and got no answer and no call back. I was crushed. He's ignoring my calls.

How odd that things happen within a short time slot from one another.

I finally confess to the two non returned calls and within hours Jim was calling me. You have no idea what this meant. (Neither does he.)

I asked if he thought I was scolding him for not calling Rach in our last conversation, and he said no. I asked if he was okay with meeting the parents next month, to which he said yes. I asked if he wanted me to pick him up on our way down, to which he said no. (it would be out of my way and he has to be to work early the next morning) He is still planning on going, no we don't have a specific date yet. But he is planning on going.

In my gut I knew that I could take him at his word. I didn't and don't want to believe anything other than what he tells me. I am completely loyal to this man, always have been. I am completely loyal to my daughter (now). Can't say I always have been or she would have grown up with me.

I guess it's hard between Rachael and I because I have known that voice and the integrity of the man behind it for many years. I can feel the pain in his voice when we talk. I can feel the joy in his voice when he talks about her, I can see in his eyes the love and peace that consumes every inch of him just by being able to know her. She doesn't know these things because she hasn't had the opportunity to get to know him yet. It's been a very frustrating year for her. It has been for him too. He has to fulfill previous obligations while the weather is holding out. He works a regular job now during the day, remodels by night and still is responsible for pool and landscape maintenance around his condo. Do I sound loyal to him? Am I making excuses for him? Maybe so, but the way he explained it was he leaves his phone in the truck so he can get his work done. (hence the two missed calls. ) He sleeps for a few hours in between jobs, and finally took time for himself yesterday to jump in the pool and get back to me.

I wish we could fast forward this reunion sometimes. I wish I could convince my daughter that as patient as she has been this past year, it's going to take just a bit more. The old expression "Patience is a virtue" couldn't be more true in our case. He is a patient man. Unfortunately for my daughter she inherited her mothers short comings. We are not patient people. She wants a relationship now and I want to get past this awkward stage of reunion.

But I knew in my gut that he wasn't losing interest in her, that he in fact is really busy, and that if he could change it right now he would. Maybe these two talked at 4am this morning since it is the only time that they are both available. Maybe we will get through this reunion thing after all. Because in my gut I know I will accept nothing less. did I say that out loud?

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1 comments: to “ Do You Ever Just Know Something In Your Gut?

  • rachael
    Friday, August 1, 2008 at 1:16:00 PM PDT  

    >sigh< patient..... why not ask me to lop off my right arm?

    ok, will try, i will trust you and your instincts. you have proven yourself to me in that area.

    i have hope now, i lost it for a while there. but you restored it. we can make this work.

    thanks for all your 'meddling', without you-this would have been dead and over a long time ago. i would not have had the opportunity to see his face and that endearing twinkle in his eyes. and i wouldnt give up haveing that image in my head for anything.
    thank you for not giving up or giving in. and for not allowing my to walk away. if not for you-i would have walked from it already. just because i dont have the patience to wait.


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