DNA Diaries

I feel guilty almost every day when I read about the adoption nightmares and the reunion flops that happen all around me. My heart sinks and I sometimes wonder if I'm not in a fog myself about my reunion with my daughter. I have talked to her about this and we both agree that for some reason we have escaped the eternal heartbreak that comes with less fortunate reunions. Not to say that we have not had our share of heartaches without one another, we have.

although I secretly took it pretty hard, I always held out for the fairy tale reunion that one day was going to be the end of all my sadness. She was going to have nice things, not too spoiled but a little advantaged. Her parents would love her like June and Ward Clever on American television back in the 60's and she would be happy, funny, loving and most of all loved and accepted. She would look for me one day and we would be in each others lives once again forever. Her father would be there too. I would have a relationship with him through our daughter. If I was lucky I would have a relationship with him on my own, not needing my daughter to be our catalyst. Secretly these were my dreams.

I seldom shared my dreams with any one because I didn't want to hear all the negative feedback from everyone who knew better than I what my life was going to in tale. How my daughter was never going to look for me. How I was never going to see her again. How her father is probably angry with me for getting pregnant and doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to admit I could see their points. I did get pregnant all by myself, it was my responsibility as a female to control that situation. I did believed that signing those papers meant I would never see her again, that she would go to a good home with normal parents. Not someone like me, all screwed up and single. But I still held out for that chance that one day my version of a perfect ending to a perfect story was going to reunite me with that family.

Fast forward to present day and I wonder if my story hasn't progressed almost letter perfect to the way I had imagined it. I had my problems over the years, but I always held out for the day I met my daughter. I wasn't going to be this used up hag that no one wanted. (The image I got from my peers.) I was going to see her again and her father too. And I was going to be proud of myself and my accomplishments.

Well, she did find me, and we had this unusually strong thirst to be around and get to know one another. We did feel like we belonged in one anothers lives. It started slow. I still think our reunion is slow. It's been almost 9 years to the day and I still feel like we don't see enough of each other. We talk as often as possible and probably more than most. We grab every opportunity to see one another, which has been a steady once or twice a year. We have had very few if any bumps in our relationship. We simply fit back together like two broken pieces.

She did get the great family, she was slightly spoiled. She is witty, and accepted, just like I hoped she would be. Most of all she is very loved by them and they by her.

As for my family, they are the ones I have become estranged with. I see and talk to as few of them as possible. Her father was found last fall. He couldn't appologise enough not only to my daughter but to me for not being more responsible. I have my relationship with him, just like I hoped I would. I did need my daughter and her desire to know her father to bring us back together, but I didn't need her to reaffirm the friendship between us. We are friends once again, and in a wierd way my family is complete.

I have read about reunions gone wrong and adoption nightmares and I wonder if I am fooling myself, if everything isn't as wonderful and as easy as it seems for us. If there isn't something lurking beneath the surface that I just refuse to accept. Then I relive the first moments of our reunion, the reunion with her father, and the last lunch we had together. I think about the way all three of us can never seem to let go when it's time. I can't bring myself to believe that any part of that wasn't real and honest and from the heart.

Altough I feel guilty about how our reunion seems to be so different from most, I am going to count my blessings, accept it for what it is, and not try to muddy the waters with stuff that may not be there to begin with. How I got so fortunate I will never know ,but I am truely grateful that our reunion is what it is.