Daddy's lil's your name?  

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So you have read some of my highs and lows with my bio dad. I have to admit he is making an effort, I wish I could say I trust it, but I'm not there yet.

On one of his phone calls to me he told the story of a friend he had not seen in years. This friend knew nothing of me, like the rest of the free world, but Jim was excited to tell him. He told him about out first phone call, our first face to face meeting and a few other stories. His friend was very happy for him and in his excitment asked Jim what his daughters name was....innocent enough. Right? Not for my enigma of a father. He told me he could just stare at his friend because he only knew my first name. He realized that he had NEVER taken the time to even ask my full name. He was ashamed of himself. And to be honest, he should be. It's been 2 years and he had no idea what my last name was, let alone my middle.
I told him. Even gave him my maiden name in case he cared. I took it lightheartedly, I really did. In fact, he took it harder than I did. I knew he didn't know-but he didn't. It never crossed his mind.

This put right in his face how little time and energy he had given. I didn't need to tell him any more. No more begging for any tidbit of info he was willing to give. He thought he was being so honest and open with me, but he proved to himself what a diluted relationship we have.

I think this put a whole new perspective on our relationship. He always insisted that things between us were 'fine'. But standing there, facing a man he had known most of his life, admitting he had no idea what his daughter's name was, well, it makes you stop and think. Can you imagine what that man thought? What doubts about Jim as a person must have shown in his face?
Whatever epiphany came from that, Jim is more willing now to put me in his life. Like in my last post, I still question how this will all turn out, but at least I have hope. Which is more than I have had in the past year or so.

But at least he knows my name. Not much, but it's a start I guess.

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3 comments: to “ Daddy's lil's your name?

  • birthmothertalks
    Sunday, January 24, 2010 at 11:01:00 AM PST  

    That must have been hard on him and for you as well. Hopefully it's a start to a new beginning.

  • rachael
    Monday, January 25, 2010 at 4:31:00 AM PST  

    yeah 'birth' it was a helluva jolt. but not surprising. as i said-it was harder on him because it never crossed his mind that he didnt know-but i fully understood that he had never taken the time to ask.
    just funny how reunion can be so crazy that you never take the time to stop and ask the MOST SIMPLE of questions. questions you would ask of strangers, but not your long lost family.

  • Lori A
    Monday, January 25, 2010 at 7:37:00 AM PST  

    I don't know whether to be angry at him, (which I am) or defend him once again because I know what a whirl wind my mind was when meeting you became a reality. If I did ask your name, I guarantee you I forgot middle and last due to all the excitement. I know he was excited, and I know he wasn't ready until now. I also know that reading him those messages helped. He had to make a choice, not between you and his sisters, but just a choice to be reunited with you. Choosing a private relationship with you was a smart choice. Lets hope it gives him what he needs to be in a relationship with you. (still pissed can you tell)


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