Waiting Arms  

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This is a persons name. She left me a message on my post "I've been Inspired" about how offended she is that I would lie about another persons situation. She has accused me of going into http://www.twietconfetti.blogspot.com/ and twisting everything this woman was saying.

The problem I have with this isn't that she left a comment on my blog. As you can see I left it there. It is that when I ASKED, ASKED, for clarification, I got a very snotty reply and was guilty by association to my friend Cricket. Whom I did just talk to by the way. I do not agree that she blocked your response to me on her blog. I think she should have left it up, what ever it was, but it's her blog so there isn't much I can do about it. She thought you were mean and hateful. I find humor in that statement as everyone involved seems to claim Christianity.

I openly admitted that I was new to the whole religion thing and did not understand the statement about pancake breakfasts. I still don't understand. Not from her point of view. But I have talked to a hand full of Christians who are outraged by the statement made by the original poster wanting her church to step up and help her with her kids.

I tried three times to make my point, even posting something (which I can't remember now what it was) in reference to the people I find offensive. Oh I just remembered what it was. The girl who wanted an adoptee from some tribe who does piercings as part of their culture because it would match her own piercings. I sent that to her, and she still blocked it. I told her that if she really was doing what she says she's doing I applaud her for saving lives. BUT, I got no where with her. She refused to give me the common courtesy to explain why she felt the church needed to step up and help with her bills concerning these children whom she had labeled as orphans in one breath and disclaimed it in another by stating that the mother's weren't actually dead yet.

She quoted the bible as to how we are to take care of the widows and orphans and yet all the talk was of the younger children. I ASKED if there were no older kids to care for, to which she did in fact reply yes. That they had helped some of the older children too. At least I got an answer on that one. But instead of trying to help me to understand, she dismissed me because I was a friend to Cricket and told me to go talk to my pastor.

If you want to spread the word that the church should step up and help with these costs, you should not be offended by someone asking you why you feel that way. I was trying to see her point. I had no opinion one way or another on it, but was actually trying to form an opinion. Well long story short this woman has sparked something in me that I do plan to investigate further. Unfortunately her opinions and basis for thinking this way will not be part of my opinion on the subject because she eliminated herself from being allowed to discuss it with me. Maybe I would have supported her opinion, but you will never know now.

As to your remark about my drug addiction, I'm confused. I drank too much, realized it was a problem and that I do not drink alcohol well and did something about it. This was partly brought on by my surrender of my daughter but more so by the bad gene's that run in my blood. Not something I can do much about. I had a problem and I handled it all on my own. It hasn't been an issue for 20 some years. I fail to see the relevance in bring it up unless you are trying to dis-credit me with it. Good Luck with that one. Adopters drink too, so do Christians. Some way more than they should.

And I am totally confused by your remark to my daughters fathers family. What venom or viciousness is it you accuse me of in regard to them? The only thing I did was swallow a lot of fear and find the one man my daughter really wanted to meet. I had no idea what he was going to say, or how he was going to react to my call. As far as I can tell it all turned out better than it could have. Every reunion has it's bumps, something you would know nothing about, being as your children or your friends children or whomever's children will never experience reunion, for several obvious reasons.

Again I am ASKING to hear more on that. What have you misconscrewed in my reunion with my old friend and his family. He has one sister who is not interested in meeting my daughter. She is protective of their mother, justifiably so. If you knew anything about reunion you would understand that this is a normal behavior. But I would like you to clarify what it is you think you mean.

I will be really surprised if I get any further communication from you, but if you answer I will post it. Bottom line I TRIED, but was guilty by association. Cricket and I agree on very few things. It does not mean we can't be friends. We are great friends, with different opinions. CAN YOU AND YOUR CHRISTIAN FRIENDS SAY THE SAME????? I think not, and the both of you just proved it.

Just to be perfectly clear, I never intended to offend your friend but this is the Internet and inflection can be misconscrewed. I was ASKING because I was trying to understand. She ASSUMED that I felt the same way as Cricket. Your friend accused Cricket of not knowing her Bible, sorry not true.

Now I don't want to hear anything your friend has to say, and so far in my talks, with the Christians I know, neither do they. They all think she's bogus.

My mistake I did just re-read the post you are referring to about the fathers family. The jury is still out on that one. I didn't do anything wrong, Aunt D is the one with conflicting stories. Rachael sent me the message Aunt D sent to her and it is way different that what was sent to me. As far as I know there are still family members who are willing to meet my daughter, and her grandmother is more than receptive, I just haven't posted about that yet. We are still waiting to see what transpires. But the relationship between her father and Rachael could be better and it could be worse. As far as the rest of the family, these things just have to work them selves out. Again something you would know nothing about.

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Friday, September 19, 2008

Although Rachael and I stay out of the mainstream of mud slinging against Adoptive Parents, and this might be misconscrewed as such, I want to make it perfectly clear that this particular piece is not about adoptive parents. This is about equal access for all American citizens. I intend no harm or hard feelings toward Adoptive Parents. I simply want all civil rights restored to those who have had the fortune or misfortune to be a part of an adoption. Adoption is no reason to be separated from your civil rights.

There are two bills in the house that pertain to Opened Records for adopted citizens. If you are a Michigan first parent and would like to write your legislator about your experience with adoption, how you were NOT promised anonymity, and how you WOULD like contact or already have contact with your child please do so soon. One of these bills is a contact veto. If passed as is this bill allows contact for certain and not all, adoptees.

Find out who your Michigan legislator is or email me and I will help you find out who your legislator is.

I am very much a novice at this, as you may also be, but I have access to some very wise women. It doesn't have to be long. All it needs is your experience and how you feel about contact with your child and the fact that you were not promised anonymity.

All citizens should have access to their information, not just the non-adopted.

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I just received a message  

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I know that my daughter and I are not a package deal in regard to her reunion. We have had this conversation a few times and if anyone has been keeping up with our ramblings you know that my daughter had turned the reunion table on me. By this I mean that since she hasn't gotten as much contact with her father as she had liked and I seemed to be getting more contact than she had, she offered to gracefully back out of my reunion with my old friend. How weird and screwed up is that?

Rachael's Aunt D recently went into Classmates and posted that she was looking for me. I reinstated my account with them to be able to get back in touch with her and put her in touch with Rachael after a year of no contact. All seemed to be moving along fine. They had been emailing back and forth a little and it all seemed good. I've had more activity on my account this time around in three weeks than I had in the three months it was active last time around. Most of the people who bothered to leave their name I do not know. I assumed that since they all had Aunt D as a friend she was sending them to view the picture of her new found niece. I was flattered and I told her so in an email. I have had 91 visits total with 38 signatures. Three of whom I remembered.

Her sister had recently opened an account with classmates, so I thought maybe I should send a quick hello along to her as well. I got no reply.

In the mean time Rachael noticed that when she gets messages from aunt D she had Rach listed with her family name, in other words her fathers last name. Odd but okay. Maybe it is so she can remember who she is.

I recently posted an awareness message on one of classmates bulletin boards in reference to opened records. I don't feel ready to take on the government just yet but I thought I could handle putting a message out there and asking for peoples opinions on it. That was days ago and I got 4 responses from 2 people. It seems talking about an imaginary hay ride is more up their alley.

I asked aunt D if she could go to this message board and give her opinion on opened records since she seems to want to be part of Rachael's life. I also told her that I had sent a message to her sister and gotten no response. I was wondering if I should leave it alone or try again. I got two different responses.

The first was asking me just what I wanted her to do on the message board. She asked if I was intending to change Rachael's last name. Why would she even think that? Besides, I couldn't change Rachael's last name if I wanted to. If I could get it changed on her birth certificate I would, and I doubt that her father would argue it. I used a false name on the adoption papers, but the agency didn't seem to have a problem with that. So if anyone wants to come after me for falsifying an official document, good luck.

Second message, (sigh) was asking me to leave her sister alone. Stating that she had already told me that her sister wants nothing to do with my daughter or this whole situation and that if I persist it will cause an uproar within the family. Everyone knows that her brother has found his daughter and although they are happy for him they feel that this should be enough. She stated that she doesn't know what I am looking for but I need to keep it between Rachael and her father and not the rest of the family. She also stated that the sister who doesn't want anything to do with this situation is the spokes person for Rachael's grandmother and what she says pretty much goes. She said that she had already told Rachael that if she wanted to get in touch with her grandmother she needed to send cards and letters. That is not exactly what Rachael relayed to me that her Aunt D had to say about the whole thing. I remember something very different. I don't remember her telling me to stay away from the sister. And it sounds now like Rachael has all but lost her relationship with her grandmother.

My heart is broken. I was there when all the talk was flying about getting together with the rest of the family. I heard the plans being made to go fishing at the cottage. I didn't expect it to happen, I didn't expect to be included, but I heard the invites. Hell my husband and my kids were invited. I remember her grandmother saying how silly it was of us not to come find her 8 years ago to get in touch with Rachael's father. Now it's between Rachael and her father only? One huge family lost before it was even found. The grandmother who was so excited about getting to know her son's only child is being guarded by the family watch dog, and I'm rocking the boat all of a sudden. No more calls? Only cards? What kind of contact is that? What happened to your one of us no matter what?

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Sunday, September 7, 2008

Today was an interesting day. For the first time in-ummm-to be honest I dont remember, we attended church. It's been at least 10 years, because my husband has never been with me. Now I was raised Lutheran, a rather lax denomination. We are not known for being passionate or loud. We do not raise our hands and sings praise at the top of our lungs. There is no incense burning or ashes on our foreheads. We go in, sit down in our Sunday finery and listen. We obediently stand, sit and sing on cue.
Back in my young years I was very active. I was an acolyte, in the choir (jr and regular), youth groups, church camp every year, Sunday school and confirmation. My life was formed around it, it was a second nature to me.

I don't know when or how it happened, but I grew up and church was left behind. I got myself into one problem after another, I was living a 'fast' life with no time for worship.
As I grew up more and became a young mother, I met my first husband. He was a nice enough guy at the time. He still is. We were able to maintain a very friendly relationship. But as the time grew near and we decided to marry, we decided to make more of an effort to re-join the church. He was raised Catholic, but was not an active participant. My boring little Lutheran church suited him just fine.
This made his mother very angry. Being a Catholic Italian, she was very vocal of her disapproval. I learned within the first few months of being with him that I would never live up to her expectations, so her shrieks of anger didn't phase me.

So husband #1 and I started attending and taking the classes required to be married in that church. This was the church I was raised in, my family was raised in, all the way back to the churchs beginning. Which was 200 years. It was MY church, and I loved it.
We had a newer pastor at the time, he was older, but new to the 'calling', he started preaching in his late 40s. I was unfamiliar with him but welcomed the chance to meet someone new and his perspective on things. I was starting to get my old faith back. I was on the path to leaving much of the self pollution I was doing behind me. It was my next step to making myself a better person and I was able to bring my soon to be husband and my young daughter with me.

At first the classes were long and boring. We were just getting to know each other, although he knew my family, I was a stranger to him. It was rather uncomfortable to speak of personal things and experiences, but I was determined to get back on track. I could do this, I was confident.
Then something went wrong, terribly, terribly wrong. And it left me empty and lost more then I had ever felt before.

We went to our class as usual one sunny afternoon and sat with him in his office. He asked questions about our families. I was raised by Ward and June Cleaver and he knew that. They were members and he had known them for a couple of years by this time.
Pastor turns to soon to be hubby and says "tell me about your life with your mother and father...."
He tried to explain how his life was, but to be honest-he had limited exposure living with his parents. Most of his life was spent living with his grandparents. Not for any reason, he was just very close to them and that was his home.
While he struggled to find words to sum up his parents, I stepped in to try to help. I said, "but you were never there at home." Meaning he didn't live with his parents. I was trying to take some heat off the man, but it back fired.
Pastor slapped his palms on the desk and jumped up. "ha!!! thats what i'm talking about!! right there, right out of your mouth!! i knew it!!"
Soon to be hubby and I were shocked to say the least. I looked at that man as if he were utterly insane. "what are you talking about? you knew what?" I demanded. The answer I got was mind blowing.
"you said 'but you are never home' you said it yourself, you aren't even making it as a couple now, how will you function when you are married? it can't be done"

Of course I made every effort to explain that was not what I said, I tried desperately told him he misunderstood, I even moved to the side his hearing aid was in and tried to talk to him there. He refused to listen. He shook his head furiously and just kept saying over and over "I HEARD YOU!!! I HEARD YOU!!!!"
It was hopeless, and finally I gave up. The conversation turned very sour after that. Not only did he throw in my face the miscommucation we had, but he started in about my sister. She had been divorced for about a year at this time and it was an awful, messy rollar coaster that almost destroyed her and our family.
I was appalled to hear her name come up. Who was he to judge her? Who was he to make a mockery of her heartache and pain? Who was he to say SHE was the failure in that relationship? Who was he to tell her business, even if it was to me. Who else had he spoken to about her and her problems?

All I could do was sit there and stare, with my mouth open. I was stunned into speechlessness. Anyone that knows me AT ALL knows this is virtually impossible. I always have something to say.
Then he went over the edge, he brought my daughter into it. He talked of her damnation because of my sins in her conception. He told me how God felt about my fall from grace. He preached to me of my own emminent demise. "God DOES NOT forgive people like you. You will go to hell no matter what you do in life."
I honestly felt my stomach sink into my feet. My head swam with the words. My mouth went dry and my knees went watery. I began to shake, shutter is a better term. The fury set in and I gripped my hands together tightly in my lap. I was afraid if I didn't I would stand and hurt him. I truly thought I was going to blast him out of his chair.
I clenched my jaws to keep from saying anything that would hurt my situation any further.

When I regained my composure enough to open my mouth I told him he was out of line. My sister was none of his business, my daughter was a gift from God (he did create her, right?) and I could not listen to any more of his lecture.
I must have offended him, because then he started to get red in the face. First he chastised me for 'blaming' God for my sick and twisted sins and sexual perversion leading up to my daughters birth. He shook as he talked. He said I was responsibile not God. He was sick and tired of people putting blame on God for their screw ups.
Then I got the hear the threats that he was not going to allow us to be married in "his church".
He said that church belonged to him and he had control over it. If he said no-then there would be no wedding there. "besides, you don't come often enough OR donate enough through offering to justify a church wedding."

All about the money I guess. Money and power. He had power over me and my future life, he loved every minute of it.

Needless to say, by the time we left I was a complete basket case. My quickly approaching wedding (which we already had the hall and invites printed, along with the programs for the ceromony) was now hinged on the mood of this man. My family's privacy was possibly being infringed upon by him openly disrespecting my hurting sister. My place in heaven was thrown out the window with no hope of repair. My pocketbook was not large enough to suit his satisfaction and I was a poor christian for not giving more money. My daughter would never amount to anything because of the sins I commited.
I spirled out of control. My plan to get on the right path and get back into the church was gone. My commitment to cleaning up my self destructive behavior was tainted. Alcohol and drugs took over again in my life. Any faith I had was completely gone. I was going to hell no matter what, so I may as well live it up while I was still kicking.

So you can see why church was not a place I wanted to be. Lori has tried and tried over the years to get me more open to the idea. I smiled and thanked her for her concern, but never had any intention of following up on it.

But things change. My views are about the same, but my daughter and her friend have been pushing me to come with them to a new church here in town. It used to be a very popular night club and they converted into a non demonination church. It seemed different, it sounded very focused on the next generation and I have to admit, I was curious.
So we gave in and went today. The whole family plus a couple others loaded up in our van and off we went. I was leery, but open to try anything at this point in my life. The last few years have been crushing for me. The weight on my shoulders has been devastating.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in to a D.J. spinning records in the middle of the room. A pastor that does not shake hands but hugs. An hour of fast paced upbeat music sung by a former back up singer to a very popular and well known R&B artist.
Then the guest speakers started, they belted out raps to chest bumping bass about asking for help, being there for each other and living a life the best you can.
Hands were raised high, people were dancing in the aisles, people were shedding tears of pure joy.

I was by no means comfortable. I was awed by the passion that oozed from every corner of the room. I watched in mild confusion as people held hands over their heads and yelped in happiness.
This was more of a party then traditional worship. I felt like a fish out of water. But secretly I kind of liked it. My husband stood, clapped and raised his hands in the air. He was not comfortable either, but he was gonna try with all his might. It made me smile.

My daughter cried and asked if I would be returning, I smiled meekly and shrugged. I don't know if this is the place for me. I don't know if I have suffered enough in life to be re-considered for salvation. I don't know if I completely buy into all this God stuff-yet. But I am going to try. Maybe this is what I need, something totally out of my element, against the grain. Maybe these people are just out of their minds.
Maybe I'll go back-or not.

I still have a physical reaction when I remember the venom my former pastor subjected me to. That tells me my faith may not be as far away as I thought, otherwise I simply wouldn't care. But I do. (shhhhh......don't tell anyone-I have a reputation to uphold!!! LOL!)

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I've been Inspired  

Thursday, September 4, 2008

It never ceases to amaze me where inspiration can come from. I recently visited a blog where a woman wanted to know where her church was in her time of need. Now I'm fairly new to church and pancake breakfasts and all the other things church's do, so I asked a few questions. I really must not have a grasp on how much a pancake breakfast brings in. I know nothing of making adoption a ministry or what is involved. I do know that the word orphan refers to a child who has lost both parents to death.

A woman who has taken it upon herself to adopt orphans from 3rd world countries with AIDS was complaining that her church needs to make her personal endeavours a ministry. She claims that in order to be a good christian we all need to take in orphans and help the widows. I was confused, so I asked a few questions. I wanted to know if her personal ministry helped the widows or the older children since all she seemed to be talking about was the younger ones. I wanted to know if a pancake breakfast was going to bring in what she needed, and what exactly was the money for, travel, socks,.....

I did point out to her that if she were doing what she claimed I applauded her for saving lives and that if I was dying I might be asking people to care for my children as well. I don't deny her that. But she went on and on about how her bible said we should care for the widows and the orphans. So far all I was hearing is that the mothers were dying not dead yet, and the orphans were all within a certain age range. I was curious.

What about the widows, aren't there any older kids that could use some help? I didn't ask this but I was asking my self how can you refer to someone as an orphan if their mother isn't dead yet? The dictionary is very specific about orphan referring to a child who has lost both parents to death, that's what it says. Not almost, not near death, It says lost both parents to death. So how can they be orphans if their parents aren't dead? And if you are supposed to help the widows is the best you can come up with taking their children?

Six thousand dollars one way, her words not mine, to get one child out, keep them from being with their mother until she does in fact pass and then asking for a pancake breakfast put on by the church to help with her expenses. Am I the only one who's lost here?

She spoke of cancelled flights and transfusions. If you can't afford these children why not give SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS to help fight AIDS in their country. The response to this was that you never know who's hands the money will end up in. BINGO. She doesn't want to give unless she gets something in return. So how much did it cost for the child, and just who's hands did that money end up in? She was willing to pay that amount, which I assure you there is a fee, and an additional $6,000 return flight fee to bring home one child to raise as her very own with no worries of them getting all squirrley and wanting to look for their first parents later because she's going to tell them that their dead. Besides the flight cost is pretty pricey, no kid will be able to afford that. If you want to minister to these people why not move there, then you will know who's hands the money ends up in.

I tried to be nice and simply ask about the older kids, the widows and how much a pancake breakfast brings in, but I was guilty by association to my friend who found the blog and had voiced her opinion there. I was told that I refused to see the truth. Truth about what pancakes?
I was told I would be blocked from her blog and to take my opinions (that were not like hers) elsewhere and that I needed to talk to my pastor.

My response to her was that I was accused of harassing her for asking questions about her intended ministry and that since she was so rude I am now completely turned off by people who do the work she does. I most definitely intend to talk to my pastor, ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE HER, and I did.

I went to my pastor today along with his mother who is involved with my church and I have started talking to them about adoption, opened records, foster care, guidance counseling (which they do for pregnant teens) and next time I will most definitely be talking to them about making adoption a ministry and having pancake breakfasts in order to raise families. I think I want in on that. I ran out of time but got a good start going. I am so inspired I can't stand it.

I want to hear what other christians have to say about bringing children half way around the world, whom you know are sick and will need lots of expensive treatment and wanting to pay for it through the church.

I am most definitely inspired.

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