DNA Diaries

Just a quick note that we have added some new links to other blogs. Well worth the visit to their sites. Now that I know how, I will be adding more. Our blog and blog roll has seen very little attention in the past year and I appologize for that. We have needed the time to figure out just where we stand.

We do not consider ourselves as "anti-adoption". We do support those who are. The term anti-adoption, has different meanings to different people. Expressed as only she could in the Anti Adoption blog, one of our newest additions, this woman expresses closest to what anti-adoption means to me. We want change, awareness, and transparency & ethics in adoption. I wouldn't speak for my daughter if I had not spoke "to" her first.

So for those of you who are my long lost friends, whom I have directed here, who want to know where I've been and what I've been up to. I have been learning as much as I can about a subject I knew virtually nothing about, my life. You will get a better understanding, a clearer picture of who I was, who I am, and hopefully what adoption means to so many who have had to live through it, by reviewing these well written other blogs. I hope you enjoy them, I hope you're enlightened.

for all the time i have spent on my adoption reunions, reform and general life, i forgot one crucial aspect. and boy was it a doozey.

my niece went to 5th grade camp last week and while there she met a little friend. let me explain something first-my niece has aspergers syndrom. it is a high functioning form of autisim. mostly she is a normal almost 12 year old, but her social skills are very off. i fear she will be doomed to be the 'weird kid' for a good part of her life.
now that being said, for her to find a friend she can connect with is a feat upon itself. so i was very happy to hear this little girl accepted my niece and her oddities. (if anyone can understand being the odd one-i can).

this little friend had quite a story to tell my ever so innocent and naive niece. she was born in russia, as a toddler watched her father get drunk and kill her mother. he father then left her alone with her dead mothers body. she was implemented into an orphanage and lived there for a few years. then she ended up in the states with a new adoptive family. quite a past for such a young soul.
but out of all of that-my niece was stuck on the part about her being adopted. she felt it was "so SAD" that she was adopted, her family was gone and she was put with strangers. simply "how SAD" the whole thing was.

my sister then said to her "you know aunt rachael is adopted-dont you?" NOPE she didnt. had no clue.
in the last 12 years she never picked up on it and we never thought to tell her. we werent hiding it-it is just a normal part of our lives, we ASSUMED she knew.

poor niece-her first response was "you mean she isnt my REAL aunt?!"
oh boy, this is gonna get sticky. her personality makes life black or white. there is no grey area. either you are real or you are not. period.
my desperate sister tried to explain that i am her aunt, i am family, i do love her, nothing was different. but, it fell on deaf ears. in her mind, real is real. not is not.

as you can imagine my sister was beside herself, she felt she had slipped some horrid secret. she didnt-we honestly never thought about it before now. i think she felt almost ashamed or that she had betrayed me. she didnt, its just gonna be a rough ride for a while.
i assured her it was fine, i am ready for the questions. but i wonder, am i really? am i ready to try to make her understand that i AM her aunt just like before?

i am doubting myself. but what can i do?

i hope i can make her understand. i have a funny feeling that i wont be able to. there is no real analogy to give her that compares. and she needs some solid proof of something else in life that can be REAL without being REAL.
so here i am not real aunt rachael, pondering my future place in her heart, mind and life. i cant be angry if she shuns me, i cant lash out at her, she is a child. but i also need to protect my own heart and ego.

i know i am real, but now the challenge will be to convince her. keep your fingers crossed for me.

reunion has brought about many changes in my life. i found my hands and thighs (thanks lori) i found my nose, but more than that, i found a lot of needed peace in my world. i have always been the oddball in my family. mom and dad are quiet people, very reserved and in check. sister was boarderline perfect. aced high school, college, did everything by the book.

i was a non-conformist, i was not like them.

i was raised listening to patsey cline, johnny cash and boxcar willey. but my heart was in rock and roll. i was raised to not rock the boat, find a way to cope with what was in front of me. my gut told me to kick in the door and make the whole world notice. i was raised to be an upstanding pillar of the community. my very being craved adversity, the fast lane and self pollution.

in their eyes, i was crazy as a loon. but they loved me. they did their best to understand and feebily support my outlandish ways. i know i was an embarassment to them, i didnt mean to be, i was just different.
over the years they have grown to appreciate my personality more, even welcome some of the craziness that spews from my mouth from time to time. i have always been and always be the clown of the family. they simply dont know what to expect.

it took me a long time to figure out that i wasnt 'wrong' just not cut from the same mould.
--then i found lori--

wow did so much make sense. it was like we shared a brain. she honestly understood me. i would start to explain myself and she was jumping in, she already knew what i was going to say. i was and still am in utter awe of this. is this how 'regular' families are? is it normal to be able to almost read one anothers mind and feel what they feel?

i have some of this with my daughter, but not as strong. i would assume because she is a teenager and i am a complete moron in her eyes. nothing i say means spit to her right now. you can see it in her face when i speak to her. but what will happen when she is my age? will we have the same bond that lori and i have?
strange that i would have to ask that, but being an adoptee, i have no link to base off of. no roots to refer back to. i found lori and jim when i was an adult, maybe that was the key. no deep seeded hard feelings for all the crap i put them through as a child or teen. no looming disapointment over getting into trouble or causing a scene in the past.

just us, now, grown up. adults sharing stories and genes.

but a funny thing did happen-i realized how much i actually enjoyed my oddball status in my family. i found peace in knowing i came into my strangeness honest and purely. it was something lori had given me and no one could take away. it survived 28 years of separation, 28 years of attempted reform, 28 years of exasperated sighs from frazzled parents wondering what was going to become of me later in life. it not only survived-it took on a life of its own. it squirmed and grew into something all its own. it became me.

now i am not perfect by any means-and this gift/curse she has bestowed to me has caused plenty of problems in my life. i laugh at the wrong times, inappropriate things tumbled from my lips before the brain has a chance to intervene and sometimes things seem like really really good ideas at the time-but in the long run they arent.
but....it is a force. a dominent blinding light that fuels who and what i am. it gives me a different perspective on the hum drum, everyday situations. it makes people respect my opinions-if they are brave enough to ask. (dont ask if you dont really want to know). it helps me weed out the crap in my existence, walk away from the people that are dead weight and move on. and somehow, i can see hope in almost everything. there is always a 'maybe' or 'what if...'
life is not black and white to us, it is a full spectrum of color and gray areas. twists, turns, nooks and crannies. more under the surface, you just gotta dig.

when we feel something is wrong, we barrel in to fix it, lori more than me. i am passive compared to her. but i think in time i will get to her level of intensity. when someone is hurt or shunned, we step up and protect them. always for the underdog. and if someone damages someone we love-you better pack a bag, we wont stop until you are destroyed. family first, always.

so a funny thing happened on my way to reunion. i didnt just find my dna, i found myself. who'd have thunk it?

-rachael

hello all, this is my first blog and i am not too familiar with how this all goes, so bear with me.

before i go much further, i want to send out my most sincere thanks to gershom and jane, the two of you have proven to be the most amazing friends. without your guidence and support lori and i would still be mucking around in the cyber-world. sending you much love. >>mmwa<<

let me give you some background on myself. i am Rachael, daughter, mother, sister, aunt. a simple factory rat trying to make a life for my family and still after almost 36 years trying to put myself in my niche in the world. in other words, just like you probably.

by the way, did i mention i am an adoptee? i was adopted practically at birth, i believe mom and dad said i was about 6 weeks when i came home. a mop of hair on my head and a clear personality already. i was more than they bargained for, but that is another story i will save for later.

Lori was a young teen from a troubled family. i will let her share her story, it is hers after all. but i will say, from where she came from the fact that she is the strong, passionate, sane woman is amazing. she met my bfather young and fell head over heels for him. he was a wild Vietnam vet with a dark side. but they loved each other. more than either of them probably realized at the time.
i think they were both looking for someone to accept them as they were, no hidden agendas, no expectations, no fronts. just each of them being who they were. and with one another they found that. then *poof* along came me.

i have always known i was adopted, it was never hidden from me. there was no one day i found out, no "gotcha day" celebrations, no grand commotion to remind me i was adopted. i was just me. adoption was and is just a part of who i am. same as my broad hands and unique nose.
i was raised in the closest thing to the 'leave it to beaver' household the real world had to offer. dad worked, mom stayed home and ran the house. i had my own room, we had a pool, lots of room to play, several pets and a comfortable home. we went to church every Sunday, were active in the 4H program and were just a normal family. i had one sister (their biological). just 'normal'.

except for me. i was not like them. i was wild, loud, rock and roll and black leather. they were quiet, never rocked the boat, fine upstanding citizens. very country. they honestly thought i was crazy. maybe i was. maybe i am, who can truly say? but i was definitely a square peg in a round hole. they loved me, supported me, but simply didn't understand me. overall, i had a wonderful life.
i am not angry about my adoption, i harbor no hard feelings or pain toward Lori or my bfather. i actually love them even more for what they gave me. their lives at the time of my birth was no place to raise a child. they saw that and what would almost certainly become of me and they chose to stop that. they gave me more than just the blood in my veins and air in my lungs, they gave me a chance. one that not many get, and even fewer have work in their favor.
at times i feel i am the luckiest woman on earth. i have 4 parents that love me, would sacrifice for me and think the world of me. forgive me if i gloat, i honestly appreciate what i have and know how it could have been. sometimes the underdog really does come out on top.

i will write more later. as of right now, i am exhausted. work is at full tilt and i am averaging 64-70 hours a week. i am currently at week with no days off. my children think i am just a figment of their imagination. so for now i must sleep.

thank you all for checking in. i hope you find our story interesting and return. so until that time, live life and enjoy!

-Rachael