The Bitter Sweetness Of My Tears.  

Friday, August 13, 2010

In contemplating how I would describe my reunion story, I have come to the conclusion that my tears, which can still come at the drop of a dime, are more sweet than bitter since reunion. Which is the exact opposite of how I felt pre reunion. The emotions that come with thinking of our first meeting can still bring tears to my eyes, but they are now different.

In defense of those who have or want to reunite opposite those (usually men) who feel that its too tramatic for us "Birth mothers" to go through. ( a strange situation all on its own, men defending womens rights instead of women speaking up for themselves) I can only say that even though it was hard to relive almost every moment, every aspect of my past. It was so liberating that I literally felt as though weight had been lifted from me. Weight I had carried so long I didn't even notice it was weighing me down. Stopping me from being happy, being a functining human being.

Because I was not allowed to shed tears over my daughter, because I was not allowed to express any emotion about her surrender at all, I learned to stuff down all my feelings. I became a rock. I didn't need anyone, or allow anyone to console me. Not too many got in far enough to affect me.

 I never cried into my pillow feeling the release of pressure through tears. Something I still struggle with today.How I always wished I could be one of those girls who can go have a good cry and come back better, stronger for it.

What a lonely existance I lived. Never being able to fully connect to any other human for 20 years. Then only able to give half of my potential, because part of me was still missing. The birth of my two sons 20 years later gave me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to connect on an unconditional level. A level I had never known.

My reunion and the story of my and my daughters lives, even though it brings tears, has been "the" single best thing that has happened to me thus far in life. It gave me peace, completed me, allowed me feelings and emotions. I can honestly say that if it lasted for only 5 minutes, I would still feel better for it. Because 5 minutes is all I asked for. I am truly blessed to have 11 years.

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