Daddy's lil's your name?  

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So you have read some of my highs and lows with my bio dad. I have to admit he is making an effort, I wish I could say I trust it, but I'm not there yet.

On one of his phone calls to me he told the story of a friend he had not seen in years. This friend knew nothing of me, like the rest of the free world, but Jim was excited to tell him. He told him about out first phone call, our first face to face meeting and a few other stories. His friend was very happy for him and in his excitment asked Jim what his daughters name was....innocent enough. Right? Not for my enigma of a father. He told me he could just stare at his friend because he only knew my first name. He realized that he had NEVER taken the time to even ask my full name. He was ashamed of himself. And to be honest, he should be. It's been 2 years and he had no idea what my last name was, let alone my middle.
I told him. Even gave him my maiden name in case he cared. I took it lightheartedly, I really did. In fact, he took it harder than I did. I knew he didn't know-but he didn't. It never crossed his mind.

This put right in his face how little time and energy he had given. I didn't need to tell him any more. No more begging for any tidbit of info he was willing to give. He thought he was being so honest and open with me, but he proved to himself what a diluted relationship we have.

I think this put a whole new perspective on our relationship. He always insisted that things between us were 'fine'. But standing there, facing a man he had known most of his life, admitting he had no idea what his daughter's name was, well, it makes you stop and think. Can you imagine what that man thought? What doubts about Jim as a person must have shown in his face?
Whatever epiphany came from that, Jim is more willing now to put me in his life. Like in my last post, I still question how this will all turn out, but at least I have hope. Which is more than I have had in the past year or so.

But at least he knows my name. Not much, but it's a start I guess.

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Emotional Juggling with Jim....  

The holidays takes their toll on us all. Some relish in the glinting lights and cheer. They reflect upon the love in their lives and future plans. To me-it's total chaos and a big fat kick in the teeth about my shortcomings.
But there is a small glint for me too. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to reflect upon. Especially the last few years. Finding Lori and Jim have rocked my world, changed my life, opened my eyes, reduced me to tears, made me question my sanity and shown me the path to what TRUE love and family is.

So during these past holidays I sat many a night wondering where my place was. Who I was, if I truly had a place in my new/old family. Lori was never really a question, as you all can see-we get along just dandy. But I have 2 bio parents and Jim has been a very big factor in my world the last 2 years. I can honestly say that I have never questioned myself more than I have since I found him. I literally had no idea what I was to him. Yes I was his daughter, yes he loved me, yes he wanted to be part of my life. could this happen when he was backing away from me at break neck speed?
Let me back up just a bit. Jim is not like Lori and I. He is reserved and cautious. He doesn't make any effort to rock the boat, his is an mystery to me. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, mostly due to his family. Let's be frank here-they hate me. I don't have any explaination why except that I was born and they didn't have a say in that. So they blame me. OK-whatever.
The reason I didn't put tons of effort into finding him for so long was because I was afraid of destroying his life. Mind you, I was thinking more along the lines of a wife and other children NOT a nutcase sister and other uncaring siblings.
Our contact had come to all but a screaching halt, he pulled back further and further, never having even 10 minutes to talk to me on the phone. Actually seeing each other was not even discussed. It was impossible. He was simply to busy.

I lost many many nights sleep mulling over the personal attacks his sister, my 'aunt', had dished out to me. The sick hurtful words she wrote of my mom and dad and entire family. The things she said about how Jim supposedly really felt about me. Even how much destruction I had brought to his life. It destroyed me to think of them sitting around disrespecting my family. So one night after he had a cold conversation with Lori and she called me very angry, I had enough. I picked up the phone and had every intention of ending it right there. I lived 35 years without him just fine and I was prepared to live another 35 without him.

I caught him fresh out of a sleep and rather groggy. Unfair of me to pursue it, the man wasn't even awake, but that didn't stop me. I told him he was going to hear what his family had been saying to me, about me, about him, about Lori and about my family. I would not take no for an answer and I EXPECTED him to listen. He owed me that much. I DESERVED his attention, for once.
I pulled the venomous emails up from his sister. I read every word she wrote and every word I responded with. I stopped to stress some of the more hurtful things and tell him what I thought about it. Like the vile comments made about what pathetic people my parents must be. He listened, he gasped in shock and groaned in disgust a few times. He interjected a few times, uttering what a load of crap she was spinning and explaining the truth to me.
When I was done, I told him I was ready to walk away, that from here on out it was his move, I QUIT. He may be my father no matter what, but I am not his or his families doormat ever.

I actually pitied him in the end. He is not used to being talked to like that. I didn't care. I had reached my limit and I refused to take it one more day. No more sleep will be lost to this.
Without going into mushy gushy details he said he was ready. Ready to move into a real relationship with me. He wanted to be a part of my life. He was willing to do whatever it took. I listened, and in the end told him I couldn't believe him. The ball was in his court from here on out. No calls would be made by me. No contact would come from me.If he wanted me, he would have to make an effort.

He has called. Four times in fact. Without me calling first. Twice for holidays and twice for no reason what so ever. Just to say hi.
It ain't much, but it's a start. We have a long long road ahead of us. But at least I don't feel alone in it. He SEEMS to be willing to meet me half way. I guess time will tell.

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Some New Links  

Just a quick note that we have added some new links to other blogs. Well worth the visit to their sites. Now that I know how, I will be adding more. Our blog and blog roll has seen very little attention in the past year and I appologize for that. We have needed the time to figure out just where we stand.

We do not consider ourselves as "anti-adoption". We do support those who are. The term anti-adoption, has different meanings to different people. Expressed as only she could in the Anti Adoption blog, one of our newest additions, this woman expresses closest to what anti-adoption means to me. We want change, awareness, and transparency & ethics in adoption. I wouldn't speak for my daughter if I had not spoke "to" her first.

So for those of you who are my long lost friends, whom I have directed here, who want to know where I've been and what I've been up to. I have been learning as much as I can about a subject I knew virtually nothing about, my life. You will get a better understanding, a clearer picture of who I was, who I am, and hopefully what adoption means to so many who have had to live through it, by reviewing these well written other blogs. I hope you enjoy them, I hope you're enlightened.

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Marketing is a part of everything.  

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I admit, I haven't had a chance to read this all the way through yet. But I read enough to want to post it. Marketing is key to any business keeping their doors opened. People sell themselves everyday, and I don't mean for cash. They put themselves out there and ask others to give a moments thought to what it is they are saying/selling. The best salesman knows his market. If you know someone who is considering surrendering their child. Pass this along to them or send them here for more info.

Adoption could be a wonderful thing if people weren't so sleezy.

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Elephant in the room and other holiday cheer.  

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Hello again all! The holidays are over and I'm finally able to get back here to share with you. It was a crazy season to say the least.
I want to talk about so many things, but I'm going to pick just one at a time.

As Lori said in the previous post, we were able to spend some precious and limited time together last month. I find myself looing more and more forward to these visits. I have to admit, this last visit was a bittersweet one. As much as I enjoyed spending time with my fellow bastards in Ohio and with Lori and brother T, much of this was overshadowed by my daughter and her release from the 'County Country Club' as Lori so eloquently put it. Lets be frank, we all know there was nothing country clubish about her visit to the local pokey. Especially since this was not her first stint there, but it was her longest. I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. It was not a contented time for me. Serenity and contentment has not been a part of my life lately.

As you know, I found some lil' treats in D's room as I prepped it for her return. You would think I would have had that done already. I had plenty of time to do it. But the daunting, dark task of digging through her belongings and happening accross something she had been using to pollute her system was simply too much for me. Thank God for my hubby. If it wasn't for him, I probably would have not had the strength or courage to even enter that room. Lucky for me, I have a strong man in my corner.

I found numerous items that made the reality of how deep she was into some things very clear. I knew there were issues, I knew much of what was going on, but to have that infallable proof sitting right there-well-it was very heartwrenching.
As we got things going, clothes were pitched out in the hall to be washed, garbage was stuffed into bags, the pollutents were disposed of. Brother T was there for it all. He stood in the doorway watching. I barked for him to 'take this', 'throw this away'. He carried out empty beer and liquor bottles. The whole time watching me. He did this quietly and without hesitation. And he came back every time. Eventually he stayed downstairs with Lori. I think it was just too much for him. I can't say I don't understand.
A few times I myself came down with the pouch of my hoodie filled with bottles in all different forms. I flushed, I threw away. And I died just a slight bit with every bit of it. Part of me swirled and washed down with those mysterious little pills.

After we were done, I came down and just need to breath. Actually-I needed to smoke. So out to the garage I went. It was quiet. It was freezing cold. And it was overwhelming. It wasn't long before Lori's head poked out. Those big blue eyes burrowing into mine. Momma had come to comfort her baby. I sat on the chest freezer and had to chuckle as she tried to climb her way up there. She was completely turned the wrong way and ended up with her ass in the air and her hands on the freezer. But she made it, although she left much in the way of grace.
We chatted briefly and the door crept open again. There stood a very uncomfortable T, looking sheepish. He came out with no coat on and shivered while he listened to me poo poo about the fears I had about D. I questioned what I had failed at so much that my beautiful, intelligent daughter had found this path. T didn't hesitate for one second. He grabbed me in a deathhug. I buried my face in his chest and just cried. Lori watched this transpire and talked to us about genetics, placing blame where it belongs, about being us. T listened. He held me with one arm and grabbed her hand with the other.

I would love to tell you all it was a wonderful tender family moment. I would like to explain how bonding it was for the three of us. How I wished it could go on forever. But I'll be honest. IT SUCKED. But thankfully it sucked for us all collectively. And we shared it together.

I had known since day one that we were all going to be just fine. I never doubted that our lives would become intertwined like a regular family. But this was the first time I felt it on such a massive level. It hung in the air. It took on its own persona. The 'elephant in the room' as Lori would say. I won't even try to pretend that we are regular, normal or even average. Thats ok. We do odd and strange very very well. It works for us. If it ain't broke-don't fix it, right?

As much as I hated dealing with this, I'm glad I had Lori and T there. They helped me keep my sanity and vent my feelings. We may not be average, but we always make it work. Thats all that matters in the end.

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