making it my home  

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I have been overly busy lately. My time seems to be slipping away from me. There is just so much to do. We recently bought a new house and are in the process of renovations. Some things are going smoothly and others seem to drag on and on. But the excitement the family is feeling is undeniable. Everyone is ready to make this move and see if we can get things back on track for us.

My whole life I never felt home. Home in the sense where you can feel completely at ease, your own space, 'hang your hat' so to speak. Growing up I was never intentionally made to feel like a visitor in my own life, but thats exactly how I did feel. I felt I was walking through the personal space of someone else. That same feeling held fast when I became an adult too. I still to this day feel like I am just a really familiar guest in the area I should be the most comfortable.

I have every intention of breaking that with my new house. Or at least, I'm gonna try like hell.
I know home is more than just a shelter, it is a state of mind. It is not just a phyiscal element, it is a part of your psyche. But, my new theory is "if I surround myself with things that reflect me, maybe it will absorb me"

I have no idea if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but that is what I am working to achieve. I have always had the hand me downs from others, which is fine, I don't need new sparkley things to passify me. But I would like to have a hand in the things I am going to be surrounded by. Not just what Aunt Ruth had and didn't need any more or Uncle Bob's old so and so he needs to clear away to make room for his new so and so....

This house is mine, free and clear. No one can ever take it from me. I do not need to ask permission from anyone as to what I can or cannot do there. I have thought long and hard on each detail, I have fell asleep to visions of colors and textures. I have put myself into each room. Thankfully, hubby has finally conceded to his long time 'white wall' theory and given me free reign. Poor man, everytime I tell him what color I have in mind, he gets a look of sucking on a lemon on his face. But he smiles and agrees. And with each new opening paint can I can see him shrink in fear, then take a deep breath and grab a roller. He is such a trooper. So far, even though he has been leery, when the room is done, he sits back and just stares in amazement. I catch him leaving and then entering the same room time and time again. Just to get that 'full effect'. I am chipping away at his fear of going outside the norm.

Now, it was not an easy win with him. He like normalcy. But I crave something else. I can't say what it is, but I feel I need to exert my personality into every room. My hope is, if everytime I sit in a room, I will see something that came from me, something I like, then it that will make me more secure. Like going to a beloved place from your past, somewhere that fuels that warm belly feeling. Somewhere you think of and can't wait to return to, that you can still smell, taste and see in your mind. A place where you can be you and no one cares.

I don't know if this is what everyone feels. Maybe I am putting too much weight on the physical being of home, but it makes sense to me. Surround yourself with things that reflect you and who you are, and the rest will come naturally.
Or I could be way off base and end up with nothing but a really cool house and still feel like a visitor.

I don't know if my plan will work, that will have to be an update for later. For now though, I am going to barrel ahead and give it all I got. Keep your fingers crossed, maybe the adage is wrong. Maybe you CAN go home, even if its for the first time.

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