blissful ignorance  

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ever wish you were blissfully ignorant? That is what I am wishing right now. I wish I didn't know so much about my genetics, so the trauma I am going through with my daughter would be just a bump in the road.
My aparents had it, they blissfully went through my childhood thinking I was just odd, different. They had no idea the defective genes I inherited from Lori and Jim. The defect that has the potential to destroy lives if left alone. The defect that can consume it's host and bring families to the brink of disaster.

I will spare you all the gory details, actually, I will spare myself the pain of rehashing what I have been going through lately. But I just want to say, I wish I was an ignorant schmuck that could shake their head and hope against hope that she will 'outgrow it'.

But I'm not. I am fully informed and (unfortunately for me) all too familiar the path she has chosen. I know the draw that attracts her, the lure of freedom and fun. I know it all too well. I lived it for quite some time. Lori was the same. We have our demons, they are unwanted and uninvited but they still lurk. They invade a wonderful soul and pollute it with their poison.
Those demons can shape a young life and force years of recovery and playing catch up with the rest of the world. I am still on the rebound from mine.

I blame no one for this. It is not the fault of any generation of my gene pool, it is a defect that can be traced back to our primordial ooze. No single individual is responsible. But all the same, it is there and must be faced. It must be beaten back for the mere sake of survival. If left unattended it will mutate and take on the life of the soul it resides in. Leaving a trail of toxic aftermath in its place. Burning through the fibers of any connections that threaten it.

I wish I was so blissfully ignorant to its potential. I wish I could scratch my head in utter confusion as to what will happen next. I wish I could look the other way and cross my fingers that it will work itself out for the good, relying on faith and hope.

But I can't. I carry my scars that it left on me so many years ago-as Lori does and many before her. I share the burden that Jim has endured in his coming of age. I have passed this on to my own, and now I must fight for something so much bigger and more important than myself-my child.
This is one fight I will not walk away from. I will take my beating-but I will get my licks in too. Maybe, just maybe, if i fight hard enough now, she will not be in my shoes later.
Oh how I wish she could be ignorant too. I would give almost anything in the world to erase the marks from her.
But that will never happen, not now. So I will fight. With every ounce of my being, until I can fight no more.

Knowledge is power they say......
I guess we will see........

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2 comments: to “ blissful ignorance

  • Lori A
    Tuesday, August 12, 2008 at 6:45:00 AM PDT  

    Knowledge is power. I wouldn't trade the knowledge I have for ignorance. Because the defect will not stop cursing us until we have bread it out of us. It would be easier I admit to be ignorant. Hell it was easier to be ignorant. Had I known what I know now, I just might be the head of some posh institution like my career profile said I could be. I can only assume it was not meant for me, but for my children and my childrens children and so on. I was to be the addict that figured it out and broke the cycle. That is one of many of my jobs in this life, and I will do it well along side you, my boys, and my grand children. I don't think I will make it much past that but the cast will be set in motion for generations.

    I have done a good job of showing what can happen if you don't pay attention or are blissfull ignorant, and will continue to do so, so that others in my gene pool have a respect for things they can not change, determination to change things they can and the sheer tenacity to never turn their soul over to what plagues us. Wonder where I picked that one up?

    You are not alone in your fight, but remember it is not your fight and there is only so much you can do as an outsider. they are her demons and she has to be willing to stand against them.

    But you have good ammunition, first hand experience and the knowledge of your ancestry to battle on behalf of your daughters soul.

  • Possum
    Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 3:36:00 AM PDT  

    Hugz, strength and love I send to you dearest Rachael.
    Thinking of you.
    Poss. xxxx

    (finally linked to here from AAAFC links page and my blog - sorry it took me so long - ICK!!)

    Hang in there sweetie.


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