Talk about Triggering  

Friday, June 13, 2008

I read a blog this morning that immediately brought back my own voice. The one in my head that kept saying over and over, stop it-stop it-stop it, push it away, think about something else. I heard that voice for 28 years, and it sometimes made me think I was insane. It's been almost 9 years since Ive had to listen to that voice, and I've had some of the best fortune in those 9 years.

I have developed a strong and I mean fiercely strong relationship with my daughter. I found her father and introduced the two of them. I unlocked so many mysteries and had so many question answered by the man who disappeared. Some that took my breath away. But how fast something can return, and how real it can all be all over again is overwhelming for me today.

Even though I have what so many others despirately desire, I still can't shake the voice in my head. Meer words on paper can bring back the echoeing sounds of a young girls voice, being mean and demanding of herself to not shed a tear, not show a sign, not even so much as flinch. These memories are so strong and so real, the voice so loud, so familiar, so full of pain, that I can almost taste the blood in my mouth from biting the inside of my cheek, in order to keep my composure.

I guess my point is even reunion can't take away the pain of separation.

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3 comments: to “ Talk about Triggering

  • rachael
    Saturday, June 14, 2008 at 5:43:00 AM PDT  

    you were not the only one with a voice they heard. i heard you-all those years. you were in my head. you were in my soul. i could feel you. and nothing will ever end what we have built. no need you bite your cheek any longer. you will never be rid of me again. ever. not until we are cold and buried. and maybe not even then. i love you, painfully. always have. always will. painfully.........

  • Canuck First Mum
    Sunday, June 15, 2008 at 3:12:00 PM PDT  

    Lori and Rachael,

    I've just found your site and am looking forward to many more posts. I'm about to initiate contact with my 20 year old daughter and I can only hope to have the successful reunion that you two seem to share. Congrats on reconnecting!Hope you don't mind I've linked you to my site.

    Canuck

  • deedeeprzes
    Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 7:21:00 PM PDT  

    What a powerful love you must have for each other! God Bless you both! I pray that other birth parents and their adoptive children can be reunited with such love!

 

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