a friend by any other name.....
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Recently I recanted a story of a friendship lost to a new friend. It was a very hard story to write, especially since I was making an effort not to swear every other word. I surprised myself with the amount of venom I still harbored. I have to admit I was a little ashamed of myself for holding a grudge as passionately as I had. But when someone hurts you to the core-you carry that for a long time.
I won't bore you with the details of the saga, honestly, there is no way I have the energy nor patience to do it all over again. But it brought up a point that has been gnawing at me. TRUST. What exactly is that anyway? What traits in a person make you trust them? Or better yet-what flaw in my personality allowed myself to be subjected to such abuses from someone? We are not talking a couple of months here people, this went on for 20 years. Twenty years I hung in there, clinging to the idea that she was a true friend, she cared for me, that I could trust her.
Ends up, she was a leech and many had warned me about her. I, of course, defended her like it was purpose in life. I loved her. She used me. I ended it. She drug my name and life through the mud. Now I wanna kick her ass. But I won't, because she is not worth the effort I would put into it. Or the bail money-definitely not worth the bail money.
I have heard many say that adoptees in general have trust issues. But is that really true? Is it a trait widely found in adoptees or is it a learned response from life itself.
Maybe it's both.
As parents we abuse that trust. "DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS, JR." to "here honey, sit on Santa's lap" ( a big, urine smelling stranger in an obnoxious suit)
Is trusting someone really the basis for a good relationship? Or does it leave us open to potential doom?
How can we ensure we don't take the hurt out on someone else that is not connected to the betrayer? Or condem them for the evils of others?
Trust-such a little word with such a huge impact on our quality of life.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 9:34:00 AM PDT
I think it took a lot of courage to spill your guts and share the story... and i'm glad you did.
as an adoptee i think it takes me awhile to test the waters... i'm scared to dip my toe in until i feel the water is warm... not sure how i come to that conclusion at all, but if others are swimming and are able to float without drowning or being dunked, i feel safer... but then when i jump in, it's with both feet.
growing up i never felt like i belonged... so when i find people that i click with... that i feel comfortable with, the trust is there wholeheartedly... cause belonging makes us feel good... so good, that we're willing to overlook some things...
i ended a friendship after 10 years... i supported her... emotionally and financially when she needed.... it was when i needed her and she abandoned me that i finally saw what our "relationship" was... or wasn't...
and it still hurts... cause she was my best friend... and i cared about her... loved her... she was the closest i had to family... and she let me down... and i still haven't let that go...
"Is trusting someone really the basis for a good relationship?" only if the person is trustworthy... and unfortunately we can't always tell before we jump... sometimes other swimmers will clue us in... but the sharks could be hiding at the bottom of the pool. but i'd rather risk the sharks and have friendship any day even if it means i might get bit.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 11:18:00 AM PDT
Trust has always been a four letter word to me. Even the best of friends are at an arms length for years. YOU were at an arms length for a while. My trust was shattered as a child, so for me it is a learned behavior. I do not trust easily.