DNA Diaries

reunion has brought about many changes in my life. i found my hands and thighs (thanks lori) i found my nose, but more than that, i found a lot of needed peace in my world. i have always been the oddball in my family. mom and dad are quiet people, very reserved and in check. sister was boarderline perfect. aced high school, college, did everything by the book.

i was a non-conformist, i was not like them.

i was raised listening to patsey cline, johnny cash and boxcar willey. but my heart was in rock and roll. i was raised to not rock the boat, find a way to cope with what was in front of me. my gut told me to kick in the door and make the whole world notice. i was raised to be an upstanding pillar of the community. my very being craved adversity, the fast lane and self pollution.

in their eyes, i was crazy as a loon. but they loved me. they did their best to understand and feebily support my outlandish ways. i know i was an embarassment to them, i didnt mean to be, i was just different.
over the years they have grown to appreciate my personality more, even welcome some of the craziness that spews from my mouth from time to time. i have always been and always be the clown of the family. they simply dont know what to expect.

it took me a long time to figure out that i wasnt 'wrong' just not cut from the same mould.
--then i found lori--

wow did so much make sense. it was like we shared a brain. she honestly understood me. i would start to explain myself and she was jumping in, she already knew what i was going to say. i was and still am in utter awe of this. is this how 'regular' families are? is it normal to be able to almost read one anothers mind and feel what they feel?

i have some of this with my daughter, but not as strong. i would assume because she is a teenager and i am a complete moron in her eyes. nothing i say means spit to her right now. you can see it in her face when i speak to her. but what will happen when she is my age? will we have the same bond that lori and i have?
strange that i would have to ask that, but being an adoptee, i have no link to base off of. no roots to refer back to. i found lori and jim when i was an adult, maybe that was the key. no deep seeded hard feelings for all the crap i put them through as a child or teen. no looming disapointment over getting into trouble or causing a scene in the past.

just us, now, grown up. adults sharing stories and genes.

but a funny thing did happen-i realized how much i actually enjoyed my oddball status in my family. i found peace in knowing i came into my strangeness honest and purely. it was something lori had given me and no one could take away. it survived 28 years of separation, 28 years of attempted reform, 28 years of exasperated sighs from frazzled parents wondering what was going to become of me later in life. it not only survived-it took on a life of its own. it squirmed and grew into something all its own. it became me.

now i am not perfect by any means-and this gift/curse she has bestowed to me has caused plenty of problems in my life. i laugh at the wrong times, inappropriate things tumbled from my lips before the brain has a chance to intervene and sometimes things seem like really really good ideas at the time-but in the long run they arent.
but....it is a force. a dominent blinding light that fuels who and what i am. it gives me a different perspective on the hum drum, everyday situations. it makes people respect my opinions-if they are brave enough to ask. (dont ask if you dont really want to know). it helps me weed out the crap in my existence, walk away from the people that are dead weight and move on. and somehow, i can see hope in almost everything. there is always a 'maybe' or 'what if...'
life is not black and white to us, it is a full spectrum of color and gray areas. twists, turns, nooks and crannies. more under the surface, you just gotta dig.

when we feel something is wrong, we barrel in to fix it, lori more than me. i am passive compared to her. but i think in time i will get to her level of intensity. when someone is hurt or shunned, we step up and protect them. always for the underdog. and if someone damages someone we love-you better pack a bag, we wont stop until you are destroyed. family first, always.

so a funny thing happened on my way to reunion. i didnt just find my dna, i found myself. who'd have thunk it?

-rachael