Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm sure to most this is a warm heart felt few moments that truly depict surrender. But here's what I see.

I see a young woman who is in so much pain she has to stop talking on more than one occasion to compose herself. I see her fidget with her clothing unaware that she is doing it in an attempt to convince herself once more that telling this story is going to help her heal.

I heard her say, "don't feel sorry for me", " I can't think about him not being here", "making an ugly thing beautiful", "making a wrong thing right". She goes on to talk about broken hearts.

But she did break her own heart, she did defy her own instinct, she did give up what was most precious to her, and she did it because some one made her feel less worthy, that her child would be better off without her. They convinced her that IF she loved her child, she would give him to someone else. I can't tell you how much this was me, so many years ago.

The message these women send along with these children is, if you love your child you will not raise them, you will surrender them to someone else.

She was enough, She said she was enough, but enough just wasn't good enough. Every child deserves more than enough.

I, me, and mine. There is no I in team, and "I" want to be part of this team, in order to do that, "I" must give of me, give up what is mine.

I can't recall the conversations we had. Hmmm, shock maybe, overwhelmed, going through the motions in a dream state while telling yourself I'm not sure, I'm not sure, I love this baby, he is mine?

I didn't share him with them, they shared him with me. Because she was constantly reminded that this child was not hers, he belongs to someone else.

I know where my son needs to be. Look at her pause, shake her head, bite her lip, to regain composure. Her life is in deed forever changed, and so is his. But I don't' see it being the win win win she is telling everyone it is.

I see her in a few years, after she has told this story a thousand times, realizing that the hurt never heals, the pain never goes away, and she was lied to.

See what you want to see, but this was me so many years ago. So proud of what I had done, how I had made someone else's dream come true. So convinced that "my" decision was the best one I could have made for everyone. That no ill will or bad repercussions were going to develop from my "gift".  How much I was going to feel like a good person. Everyone was going to praise me, hold me in the highest of esteem, I was going to hold my head high, be proud of myself. Feel good for what I have sacrificed.....
 All it was going to cost me was 6 lbs of flesh. 

I never bit my lip or tugged on my clothes. Instead, I bit the inside of my cheek till it bled to control my tears, and sat very very still so as not to tip anyone off that I was suffering inside.

One day I woke up, the dream had slowly turned into a nightmare, a nightmare I had no choice but to live out for all eternity.

When she stops being counseled by LDS, when they have used her up and moved on to a fresh new mommy with a fresh new face and story, she will slowly start to realize what she has done. No only to herself, but to so many others she repeated this to and their children as well.

Now a days any pregnancy is a crisis pregnancy to these vultures.

I only have one question. Which of these adoptive parents would surrender a child? Make someone else's dream come true? Be so selfless? 

My heart goes out to this young lady, I remember all too well.

Thanks for the flashback.

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6 comments: to “ FLASHBACK

  • Anonymous
    Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 6:26:00 AM PST  

    Oh, my heart aches watching that video. I want to leave a comment for her to let her know she can contact me in a couple of years when the LDSDS adoption anesthesia wears off and she realizes the eternal consequences of what she has done. I have a feeling she is going to need a shoulder or two to cry on.

    You said, "One day I woke up, the dream had slowly turned into a nightmare, a nightmare I had no choice but to live out for all eternity."

    Yes - this. *sigh* This times every day since I woke up from the LDS adoption dream.

  • Anonymous
    Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 6:27:00 AM PST  

    Oops - that should have be "LDSFS" not LDSDS.

    Darn these tired fingers that have been up since 2:38 a.m.

  • Lori A
    Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 7:16:00 AM PST  

    Letters, I'm right there with you. That's why the title FLASHBACK. I will be waiting in the wings for her and all those like her. You and I will be there because they are going to need us. I don't think approaching her will help right now, she's too entrenched, but one day. If you do get through to her, tell her I'm thinking of her and have blogged about her.

    I have to admit surrender IS one of the hardest things you will ever do. Living with what you have done once you realize it,is even harder and it lasts a life time.

  • Amanda
    Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 11:34:00 AM PST  

    I'll need your email address to give you an invite to my blog. I am happy to share it with you if you will be respectful. I have no interest in the types of comments that I've received from many of Out of the Fog followers... those that called me names and such.


  • rachael
    Friday, February 26, 2010 at 5:15:00 AM PST  

    amanda-who is calling you names? it gets nothing accomplished. respect is needed by all parties. we can learn from you, you can learn from us. its a wonderful experience if everyone can keep themselves in check and actually listen.
    you are welcome here. and that is coming from an 'out of the fog' adoptee.

    lori and letters-i have no words. not a one. but i have love and support.

  • Lori A
    Friday, February 26, 2010 at 4:43:00 PM PST  

    Amanda: elstrangeo@att.net

    I respect mothers who respect me. I don't make it a habit of caling people names. I will go head to head with them, but I try not to call names. I thank you for getting back with me, not many do.


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